Fleet Services has burnt down.

[Ash]

Yes. Trade plates pretty much gauranteed a lift from a lorry within moments of holding them out. I once got a lift from Newport docks directly to my front door. Mind you, long distance lorry drivers can be a very, very odd bunch. A Dutch driver once had me absolutely convinced that he was kidnapping me to give me a good búggering, as he absolutely refused to stop to let me out, until, for no reason at all, he pulled up on the A120 and demanded I leave. Middle of fúcking nowhere, it was.

I was in the cab of a scouse lorry driver once who, as we neared my drop-off point outside Coventry, tried to persuade me to come to Liverpool with him for a 'game of pool'. I was happy to escape that one.

[Burney]

Yes. Trade plates pretty much gauranteed a lift from a lorry within moments of holding them out. I once got a lift from Newport docks directly to my front door. Mind you, long distance lorry drivers can be a very, very odd bunch. A Dutch driver once had me absolutely convinced that he was kidnapping me to give me a good búggering, as he absolutely refused to stop to let me out, until, for no reason at all, he pulled up on the A120 and demanded I leave. Middle of fúcking nowhere, it was.

Lorry drivers odd? Surely not? What could it be about this solitary, mind-numbing profession, whose tedium is only alleviated by bad food, speed, porn and ropey lorry park prostitutes, that would attract odd people?

[Burney]

I was in the cab of a scouse lorry driver once who, as we neared my drop-off point outside Coventry, tried to persuade me to come to Liverpool with him for a 'game of pool'. I was happy to escape that one.

Could you not have changed that to snooker so I could have made jokes about 'sinking the pink' and 'downing the brown', a?

[Sir C]

I was in the cab of a scouse lorry driver once who, as we neared my drop-off point outside Coventry, tried to persuade me to come to Liverpool with him for a 'game of pool'. I was happy to escape that one.

Sometimes they'd just talk. For hours. So starved of human company for days and days away from home, they'd just prattle on and on and on. This was not good for me, for trade plate drivers, unencumbered by tachographs and such silliness, will happily drive 20 hours a day, and the cab of a lorry is a great opportunity to grab the healing snooze. A dour Yorkshireman shouting about his sexual adventures on a recent nightstop outside Barnsley isn't that relaxing.

[Sir C]

Lorry drivers odd? Surely not? What could it be about this solitary, mind-numbing profession, whose tedium is only alleviated by bad food, speed, porn and ropey lorry park prostitutes, that would attract odd people?

You see, when you put it like that, I'd seriously consider taking that up.

Solitary? What could be finer?
Mind-numbing? Yes, please.
Bad food? You mean 'fried food', don't you?
Speed? No call for it now with compulsory rest periods.
Porn and skanky hookers? We all enjoy the occasional baser moment.

[Burney]

You see, when you put it like that, I'd seriously consider taking that up.

Solitary? What could be finer?
Mind-numbing? Yes, please.
Bad food? You mean 'fried food', don't you?
Speed? No call for it now with compulsory rest periods.
Porn and skanky hookers? We all enjoy the occasional baser moment.

You'd be murdering prostitutes in no time imo. Just to break the day up if nothing else.

[Viva Prat Vegas]

You'd be murdering prostitutes in no time imo. Just to break the day up if nothing else.

If I had a hammer