Greta Thunberg is 17

[Monty92]

Your attitude towards 'self-pollution' always surprises me, Burney, given where you went to school.

Even to this day I believe that English public schools are a veritable celebration of the act. I would have thought your experiences would have made you indifferent to it.

One of my favourite Burney stories is about him going home after having his cancerised testicle lopped off and the first thing he did was crack one off, just to check everything was still in working order.

He never did say who he used for 'motivation', though...

[Sir C]

One of my favourite Burney stories is about him going home after having his cancerised testicle lopped off and the first thing he did was crack one off, just to check everything was still in working order.

He never did say who he used for 'motivation', though...

I expect you've never woken early to find him masturbating in the kitchen.

[Burney]

I expect you've never woken early to find him masturbating in the kitchen.

Neither have you. Found me, I mean. Catching me on CCTV doesn't count.

[Burney]

One of my favourite Burney stories is about him going home after having his cancerised testicle lopped off and the first thing he did was crack one off, just to check everything was still in working order.

He never did say who he used for 'motivation', though...

That's one of your 'favourite' stories?

I honestly can't remember. I think the desire to know that everything was shipshape and Bristol fashion was my main motivation, though.

[Sir C]

That's one of your 'favourite' stories?

I honestly can't remember. I think the desire to know that everything was shipshape and Bristol fashion was my main motivation, though.

I don't remember that story.

I think it exists only as a fantasy in his warped little 'mind'.

[Burney]

I don't remember that story.

I think it exists only as a fantasy in his warped little 'mind'.

Oh, no. The story's 100% true. I mean, who wouldn't in that situation?

[Sir C]

Oh, no. The story's 100% true. I mean, who wouldn't in that situation?

At my Leaver's Service, the Reverend Frank 'Toad' Wells gave us a jolly good talking to about the dangers of committing 'acts of beastliness', so this sort of hands-on nonsense isn't something that ever crosses my mind.

[Burney]

At my Leaver's Service, the Reverend Frank 'Toad' Wells gave us a jolly good talking to about the dangers of committing 'acts of beastliness', so this sort of hands-on nonsense isn't something that ever crosses my mind.

I think you'd be permitted a special dispensation if you've just lost a clockweight and want to check that you are not wholly unmanned? I mean it was essentially medical in nature, if you think about it.

[Sir C]

I think you'd be permitted a special dispensation if you've just lost a clockweight and want to check that you are not wholly unmanned? I mean it was essentially medical in nature, if you think about it.

I can assure you that upon returning home with my hooter half-removed, the last thing on my mind was blowing it.

Anyway, the reverend Frank wouldn't have agreed with you. No, he had extremely definite views on the matter, and these views were essentially, "NO!"

Odd that he failed to mention the matter until we were 18, though. Between you and I, I suspect that there were certain chaps there whose horses had already bolted, if you take my meaning.

[Monty92]

I think you'd be permitted a special dispensation if you've just lost a clockweight and want to check that you are not wholly unmanned? I mean it was essentially medical in nature, if you think about it.

I tried to think of it like that when I had to go to hospital to give a sperm sample. Was a bit tricky getting in the right mood in the knowledge that there was probably someone on the floor below me getting told they have 3 months to live.

Turned out the absolute f*cking mountain of porn they kindly leave for you did help me overcome that particular hurdle, tbf.