There' been a distressing lack of Masterchef chat lately

[Sir C]

For the record, then: I hate the intense little blonde tart with the tattooed on eyebrows - although Marcus Wareing clearly wants to fück her and will therefore let her away with murder. I also hate the private chef with the beard who likes to cook with kale and is clearly enamoured of all this Scandi cooking shíte. I want him to fall into his own sous vide machine and drown.

Beyond that, I don't care who wins.

They're all as dull as all fúckery, but the ball-busting blond bird will win, sans doute.

Beetroot. Who gives a fúck about beetroot?

[Burney]

They're all as dull as all fúckery, but the ball-busting blond bird will win, sans doute.

Beetroot. Who gives a fúck about beetroot?

She served a fücking banana that looked like a diseased cock and böllocks, ffs! She also failed to have the cream spurting out of the end for comic effect. She should lose for that alone. Instead, they all kissed her arse. If any restaurant tried to serve me a banana for my pudding, I'd throw it at them.

Beetroot can fück right off. Also, if I see another cünt burning a cabbage, I'm going to take to someone with a blowtorch.

[Sir C]

She served a fücking banana that looked like a diseased cock and böllocks, ffs! She also failed to have the cream spurting out of the end for comic effect. She should lose for that alone. Instead, they all kissed her arse. If any restaurant tried to serve me a banana for my pudding, I'd throw it at them.

Beetroot can fück right off. Also, if I see another cünt burning a cabbage, I'm going to take to someone with a blowtorch.

Wareing's going to be up that like a ferret up a trouser leg.

[Burney]

Wareing's going to be up that like a ferret up a trouser leg.

They all defer pathetically to him - even more so than the days of Chef Michel. Also, I don't like Monica now that she's the good cop. I preferred her when she was stone-faced and miserable. Also, some of her manglings of English vowel sounds defy belief (or 'buh-leaf' as she'd doubtless call it).

[Sir C]

They all defer pathetically to him - even more so than the days of Chef Michel. Also, I don't like Monica now that she's the good cop. I preferred her when she was stone-faced and miserable. Also, some of her manglings of English vowel sounds defy belief (or 'buh-leaf' as she'd doubtless call it).

"Thus dush has muny ulumunts." Just. Fúck. Off.