the missus’s grandfather who has early on-set dementia, lost his wife 4 months ago and was the world’s most boorish, self-important **** even when he was compos mentis.
And now throw into the mix my mother-in-law who is in the throws of her latest episode of psychotic paranoia and is currently accusing her daughter (my missus) of - among even more outlandish claims - breaking into her house and stealing jewellery.
All of us holed up in a rickety old farm house that hasn't been properly cleaned for about 20 years, eating supermarket food and pretending everything is normal.
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Nobody hates each other. Just my sister (whose farmhouse it is has) three teenage daughters who are at daggers drawn with her at the moment. Their dad died a few years ago and the place reminds us all of him, which will be awkward - particularly as my sis is now shacked up with his best man (who will also be there). Add to this the fact that my wife and I will be there with my daughter and will be joined (albeit briefly) by my ex on Boxing Day and it doesn't promise to be exactly restful.
Ho-hum.
"Plenty of strikers can score goals," he said, gesturing to the famous old stands casting shadows around us.
"But a lot have found it difficult wearing the number 9 shirt for The Arsenal."