Things that are perfectly normal regardless of what one's wife says.

[Sir C]

Sir C christened it a wánking shed simply because it has curtains. Now I didn't put those curtains in and neither have I ever performed acts of self-pollution behind them.

Should Sir C (or anyone else) continue to defame me in this way, they will be hearing from my lawyers.

I'm surprised you don't get complaints from the neighbours. All the grunting and groaning, the walls creaking and shaking as you frantically tug away at the ruined nub of fat and gristle once laughingly described as a pénis...