If everyone could stop talking about the fvcking golf, it would be much appreciated

[Sir C]

Absolutely. Saturday offered false hope, only for us to wake up the last two mornings in what appears to be a nationwide cloud. The M25 was a particular joy this morning, with visibility of about 30ft in places.

My barbecue is still in winter storage. It's mid-April, for all love! I should be smoking butts by now.

[Burney]

My barbecue is still in winter storage. It's mid-April, for all love! I should be smoking butts by now.

In a burst of optimism, I took the cover off the patio furniture on Saturday. This clearly just angered the weather gods.

[Sir C]

In a burst of optimism, I took the cover off the patio furniture on Saturday. This clearly just angered the weather gods.

I'm off to Cumbria in two weeks. I'm fully expecting long, balmy early-summer days, striding through meadows amongst gambolling lambs and busy, buzzing bees.

[Burney]

I'm off to Cumbria in two weeks. I'm fully expecting long, balmy early-summer days, striding through meadows amongst gambolling lambs and busy, buzzing bees.

I recommend not looking at this week's forecast if you wish to retain your optimism on this score.