the missus’s grandfather who has early on-set dementia, lost his wife 4 months ago and was the world’s most boorish, self-important **** even when he was compos mentis.
And now throw into the mix my mother-in-law who is in the throws of her latest episode of psychotic paranoia and is currently accusing her daughter (my missus) of - among even more outlandish claims - breaking into her house and stealing jewellery.
All of us holed up in a rickety old farm house that hasn't been properly cleaned for about 20 years, eating supermarket food and pretending everything is normal.
Nobody hates each other. Just my sister (whose farmhouse it is has) three teenage daughters who are at daggers drawn with her at the moment. Their dad died a few years ago and the place reminds us all of him, which will be awkward - particularly as my sis is now shacked up with his best man (who will also be there). Add to this the fact that my wife and I will be there with my daughter and will be joined (albeit briefly) by my ex on Boxing Day and it doesn't promise to be exactly restful.
Ho-hum.
"Plenty of strikers can score goals," he said, gesturing to the famous old stands casting shadows around us.
"But a lot have found it difficult wearing the number 9 shirt for The Arsenal."