Northern Monkey ... who can't upload a bleeding Avatar
OK, then. Do you have beans in the cupboard? If so, mash them up, mix with some softened vegetable bits (beans, peas, peppers, onions, sweetcorn, whatever), season with stuff like onion powder, etc and fry gently as patties until golden brown.
Even Herb was able to cook these and claimed to enjoy them when I gave him the recipe.