Hmmm, looks like Russia is about to take a stroll

[Ganpati's Goonerz--AFC's Aboriginal Fertility Cult]

My ponies will bite you, dude.

Why? Even if I'm being nice to them? I'm saying your ponies are civilised, like a Ukrainian, even though some horses are like evil Ruskies cos when you bet on them, you lose your money like you do under communism.

How are they, btw? Did they have a nice winter? Do they moult in spring like cats do?

[Sir C]

Why? Even if I'm being nice to them? I'm saying your ponies are civilised, like a Ukrainian, even though some horses are like evil Ruskies cos when you bet on them, you lose your money like you do under communism.

How are they, btw? Did they have a nice winter? Do they moult in spring like cats do?

They’re so excited to see some grass coming through, g. But we really need so spring rain to get the grass growing properly. Moulting? You could fill mattresses with what’s coming off them every day. Bless their hearts.

I’ve bought another field so they have more space to bounce around in. My babies

[Ganpati's Goonerz--AFC's Aboriginal Fertility Cult]

They’re so excited to see some grass coming through, g. But we really need so spring rain to get the grass growing properly. Moulting? You could fill mattresses with what’s coming off them every day. Bless their hearts.

I’ve bought another field so they have more space to bounce around in. My babies

Oh, that's so sweet of you buying them some more land.

Without wishing to sound even thicker than normal, how hairy are horses? I only rode one once, a pony called Commando, on a ski slope north of Manali in the mountains. I rented him during the lunch break to take me to the English Beer and Wine shop {as I'm sure you know are what offies are called out there.}

It was about a 5-10 min walk from the slopes to the shop next to the lock up where we picked up the skis and boots. There was a pony-wallah offering rides. I asked how much. He said Rs 100 an hour. I said how much to go to the offie, cos it's hard to walk in ski boots. He said what? I said "English beer and wine shop. Going coming. Ek so ruppee? Tik hai?" He said good. Get on. His name is Commando.

As we were going round a corner, his back leg gave way. But he was 4 wheel drive and dealt with it. Cos he was a good pony.

I bought four cans of Hakke Beck lager. They are made with Himalayan spring water and imported German hops and yeast, according to that Reich Beer purity law of 1516. So it's quality Kraut lager made with holy Himalayan water blessed by Shiva himself. And the cans are gold like Spesh.

I had just wandered off, leaving the glw with the instructor. I rode down, got the beer, and rode back all the way to the table my beloved was sitting at with the ski-wallah. I felt like the Milk Tray man, C. I was so proud.

You see, C? Those ponies are good horses. They don't lose you money, they get you booze.

I'm so chuffed yours are making you happy. Btw, do you have to comb them? How hairy are they?

[PSRB]

That is unbecoming of a gentleman like you, C. They were taken over by evil Ruskies who imposed their vile totalitarian regime on them. Yet as soon as they had the chance, they left Russia and would like to join the EU and Nato as you'd except of the fine people they are.

If anything we should hang our heads in shame. In 1994, we signed the Budapest Memorandum with the Ruskies and Septics guaranteeing their territorial integrity in exchange for them giving up their nukes.

Yet when Ivan stole the Ukraine, we lunched them out. The UK I'm proud of should never had done that. We went to war for the independence of Belgium and then Poland as we stand up to bullies, C.

They put our babyfoot table up for the first time, wired up the XLR leads for our speakers, gave us their leccy and then defended our right to party. Civilised, as I say.

Even the old bill were nice. The chief policeman was called Valerie, even though he was a bloke. One day, 3 of us were drinking in town. I was wearing a tail coat, like a crusty clown. Chris was a big, black Sperz fan with dreads. And Adam was paralytic.

2 fuzz nabbed us coming out of the bar and demanded papers which were back in the truck. Adam got lairy so they nicked us all and took us to the station.

They were chuffed as they thought they'd get brownie points from their boss. When we got into the station, Valerie, who'd been introduced to us the day we arrived, was horrified that we'd been nicked. He apologised to us, shouted at the 2 coppers for a few minutes and then punched one of them directly in the face and ordered the other one to drive us back, apologising again.

And when we left, we were at the Polish border and had been there for several hours along with loads of other vehicles.

I rang my parents on the mobile and got them to get me the phone number of Chernigiv police station from intl directory enquiries.

I rang Valerie and explained we'd been stuck at the border for ages in a massive queue. 5 mins later, a police car drives down the empty lane beside the queue, and motions to us to pull out into the empty lane. We do as we're told and get driven straight through the border.

They are civilised, C. I think you should apologise. Ganpati bless all of them.

The ladies there are rather pretty