hugely exciting ( Arsene ), mildly interesting ("We've got to keep a balance" said Terry Neill), terminably boring (thanks Don), shameful (thanks George) and a bit meh (Hi Bruce, hi Unai!)

Never in all my years have a had to switch the TV off to avoid putting my eyes out with forks. What we are seeing is... indescribably awful. I'm simply baffled. Is there no one on the coaching staff prepared to step in and call in qualified medical help? Arteta clearly needs his bumps felt.

a squad of distinctly average footballers being 'coached' by a madman. What could possibly go wrong?