are famously phlegmatic, with enormous reserves of British spunk and Dunkirk still fresh in our memories. We shall follow Her Majesty The Queen's sterling example. Stay calm, carry on. We have divided the crisis into three distinct phases - fecked if we know 1, fecked if we know 2, and fecked if we know 3.

I am so looking forward to mobs of chavs stabbing each other in the checkout queues when the Pot Noodles run out.