Just did some sums on what Tucky's little mini-break at the vets is likely to cost

[Burney]

You can't put a price on love. What if your shikse was ill, would you refuse to pay to make her better?

Tight ****. Makes me sympathise with the Palestinian people.

Not after two kids.

[Burney]

Poor Sphincter is not a shít cat, he's merely a Jack Monroe-type professional victim.

You should be able to claim benefits for sick animals. Just goes to show the inequalities inherent in the capitalist system.

You're suggesting that he's actually got Munchausen's and is merely putting on all his ailments?

[barrybueno]

There's actually a highly effective iodine therapy for hyperactive thyroid that makes the cat radioactive for a couple of weeks, so they have to be kept in solitary confinement.

£2.5k

Now, I love the fella, but not that much...

RadioActiveCat! Shirley Hollywood's gotta be all over that? You'll make your money back 1,000 times imo

[Sir C]

You're suggesting that he's actually got Munchausen's and is merely putting on all his ailments?

Well, there's a type, isn't there. Always something wrong with them. "Oh no, my Geoff 'asn't worked fer years wiv 'is lumbago innit, plus he's got piles and a dodgy ticker and that."

[Sir C]

Not after two kids.

Now as you know, I would die befoire I would impugn a lady's reputation or pass any sort of moral judgement, but to marry that little ***** she can't have been exactly choosy, can she? I suspect the orifice in question has been reamed from ársehole to breakfast time by half the population of Golders Green, and that by the time that little **** got to it, it was flapping like a windsock in a gusting squall.

*I mean our own dear Monty, may the Lord bless and protect him.*

*Little ****.

[Sir C]

Throttle the little **** m.

I believe the traditional way of disposing of such unwanted creatures was to tie them in a bag and lob the bag in the river. Of course, fingers straight into your ears lest its pitiful wails of despair tug at your heartstrings and cause you to do something silly like jump in and rescue it.

Must you constantly use such vulgar language? It's so very ugly.

[Burney]

Well, there's a type, isn't there. Always something wrong with them. "Oh no, my Geoff 'asn't worked fer years wiv 'is lumbago innit, plus he's got piles and a dodgy ticker and that."

True enough. Talking of which, I heard the following monologues from a woman while having a quiet pint last week. I noted them down for posterity.

‘The only thing with Brian is his schizophrenia means he doesn’t like to leave the house...’

‘And I’m like ‘I want to go out for dinner’, but with his teeth, he can only eat soft food...’

‘He’s a good-looking man, though. I’m very lucky.’

Brian sounds quite the catch n’est ce pas? Personally I’m glad he doesn’t leave the house

Then she came out with this and I had to leave the pub I was laughing so much.

‘So I lost my dad. Four years later I lost my mum. Then four years after that, my marriage ended. All in Olympic years.
I won’t watch the Olympics anymore.’

[Burney]

Now as you know, I would die befoire I would impugn a lady's reputation or pass any sort of moral judgement, but to marry that little ***** she can't have been exactly choosy, can she? I suspect the orifice in question has been reamed from ársehole to breakfast time by half the population of Golders Green, and that by the time that little **** got to it, it was flapping like a windsock in a gusting squall.

*I mean our own dear Monty, may the Lord bless and protect him.*

*Little ****.

Lordy. And I thought I was being a bit unkind with my comment.

[Monty92]

Lordy. And I thought I was being a bit unkind with my comment.

The most upsetting part is the incorrect assumption that I've shacked up with a Jew

[Sir C]

True enough. Talking of which, I heard the following monologues from a woman while having a quiet pint last week. I noted them down for posterity.

‘The only thing with Brian is his schizophrenia means he doesn’t like to leave the house...’

‘And I’m like ‘I want to go out for dinner’, but with his teeth, he can only eat soft food...’

‘He’s a good-looking man, though. I’m very lucky.’

Brian sounds quite the catch n’est ce pas? Personally I’m glad he doesn’t leave the house

Then she came out with this and I had to leave the pub I was laughing so much.

‘So I lost my dad. Four years later I lost my mum. Then four years after that, my marriage ended. All in Olympic years.
I won’t watch the Olympics anymore.’

That's like a Victoria Wood sketch.