Off to do something stupid in a minute. After my violent food poisoning on Saturday

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08-01-2018, 02:14 PM
barrybueno

Off to do something stupid in a minute. After my violent food poisoning on Saturday

I'm going to try and have a few pints. I'm nowhere near fully recovered so a bit risky. Reckon there's 3 outcomes;

1. I'll throw up
2. I'll **** myself
3. Neither of the above and I'll feel ace

Will report back later :thumbup:
08-01-2018, 02:20 PM
Sir C

Quote:

Originally Posted by barrybueno

I'm going to try and have a few pints. I'm nowhere near fully recovered so a bit risky. Reckon there's 3 outcomes;

1. I'll throw up
2. I'll **** myself
3. Neither of the above and I'll feel ace

Will report back later :thumbup:

Start with a port and brandy. This will settle the stomach. Move on to cooking lager, NOT Stella. All will be well.

I cannot recommend drinking bitter. You might shÃ*t yourself to death.
08-01-2018, 02:22 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by barrybueno

I'm going to try and have a few pints. I'm nowhere near fully recovered so a bit risky. Reckon there's 3 outcomes;

1. I'll throw up
2. I'll **** myself
3. Neither of the above and I'll feel ace

Will report back later :thumbup:

What was the cause of the mal d'estomac, bb? :-(
08-01-2018, 02:23 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sir C

Start with a port and brandy. This will settle the stomach. Move on to cooking lager, NOT Stella. All will be well.

I cannot recommend drinking bitter. You might shÃ*t yourself to death.

Heroin would be his best bet. Binds you up lovely, does a bit of brown. :nod:
08-01-2018, 02:27 PM
barrybueno

Quote:

Originally Posted by Burney

What was the cause of the mal d'estomac, bb? :-(

Two suspects, either Friday nights kebab which I finished Saturday morning or one of the 3 fried eggs I had after it. The yolk was more green than yellow but I was still half cut and didn't give a ****e. Given plenty since :hehe: :****:
08-01-2018, 02:30 PM
AFC East

Quote:

Originally Posted by barrybueno

I'm going to try and have a few pints. I'm nowhere near fully recovered so a bit risky. Reckon there's 3 outcomes;

1. I'll throw up
2. I'll **** myself

You seem to be discounting 1 AND 2 at the same time, that's the great leveller. I'd put a bucket in your bathroom before you go out, just in case.
08-01-2018, 02:36 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by barrybueno

Two suspects, either Friday nights kebab which I finished Saturday morning or one of the 3 fried eggs I had after it. The yolk was more green than yellow but I was still half cut and didn't give a ****e. Given plenty since :hehe: :****:

I'd go with the egg, tbh. Listeria, probably. Salmonella, even? All in all, an excellent aid to weight loss.
08-01-2018, 02:37 PM
Sir C

Quote:

Originally Posted by AFC East

You seem to be discounting 1 AND 2 at the same time, that's the great leveller. I'd put a bucket in your bathroom before you go out, just in case.

I wonder if anyone has ever simultaneously puked and shÃ*t themselves at the bar of O'Neill's in Beckenham? bb may well be making history tonight. wd bb!
08-01-2018, 02:40 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sir C

I wonder if anyone has ever simultaneously puked and shÃ*t themselves at the bar of O'Neill's in Beckenham? bb may well be making history tonight. wd bb!

I once did in the Chat House in South Croydon. Happily, the sink was in puking distance of the lavatory.

That was a bad evening. :-(
08-01-2018, 02:42 PM
Sir C

Quote:

Originally Posted by Burney

I once did in the Chat House in South Croydon. Happily, the sink was in puking distance of the lavatory.

That was a bad evening. :-(

Not 'at the bar' though, was it? Any fool can void himself in the khazi, b. True heroism is being blown asunder with one's foot still perched on the rail.
08-01-2018, 02:44 PM
AFC East

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sir C

I wonder if anyone has ever simultaneously puked and shÃ*t themselves at the bar of O'Neill's in Beckenham? bb may well be making history tonight. wd bb!

This made me chuckle.

I do hope he's wearing suitably light coloured trousers. It would be a shame if his friends missed the full wonderment of the moment.
08-01-2018, 02:46 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sir C

Not 'at the bar' though, was it? Any fool can void himself in the khazi, b. True heroism is being blown asunder with one's foot still perched on the rail.

What would one do in that situation, though? Stand there and try and style it out, slowly retreating to the door? Or flee into the night like a feculent Mr Hyde, leaving behind a trail of soupy bowel water and chunder?
08-01-2018, 02:47 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by AFC East

This made me chuckle.

I do hope he's wearing suitably light coloured trousers. It would be a shame if his friends missed the full wonderment of the moment.

Two pairs of pants, brown trousers and bicycle clips imo.
08-01-2018, 02:48 PM
Sir C

Quote:

Originally Posted by Burney

What would one do in that situation, though? Stand there and try and style it out, slowly retreating to the door? Or flee into the night like a feculent Mr Hyde, leaving behind a trail of soupy bowel water and chunder?

That would depend entirely upon the quality of the establishment. Should such a thing ever happen to me in my usual watering hole, I would be carried gently to the bathroom and bathed by willing manservants. In a Wetherspoons, I suspect I would be battered senseless by the shaven-headed yob next to me.
08-01-2018, 02:50 PM
Sir C

Quote:

Originally Posted by AFC East

This made me chuckle.

I do hope he's wearing suitably light coloured trousers. It would be a shame if his friends missed the full wonderment of the moment.

I once saw a chap shÃ*t himself and it was immediately apparent because, somewhat surprisingly, the merde emerged enthusiastically from his waistband; thumbing its nose at gravity, the shÃ*te travelled upwards.

wd shÃ*te.
08-01-2018, 02:52 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sir C

I once saw a chap shÃ*t himself and it was immediately apparent because, somewhat surprisingly, the merde emerged enthusiastically from his waistband; thumbing its nose at gravity, the shÃ*te travelled upwards.

wd shÃ*te.

Was he wearing very tight trousers? I can't think of any other explanation.
08-01-2018, 02:52 PM
AFC East

Quote:

Originally Posted by Burney

Two pairs of pants, brown trousers and bicycle clips imo.

Good call.

This will be a classic liquid fart situation, so something akin to an MC Hammer style trouser would be ideal or perhaps a lycra rich drainpipe affair, in white.
08-01-2018, 02:54 PM
Sir C

Quote:

Originally Posted by Burney

Was he wearing very tight trousers? I can't think of any other explanation.

No, they were sort of 50 year old suit trousers, foir he was a chap who lived in the back of an old Scammell truck parked behind the hangar on an airfield. Been there since the war, according to some.

Dead now, of course. Thank God.
08-01-2018, 02:54 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sir C

That would depend entirely upon the quality of the establishment. Should such a thing ever happen to me in my usual watering hole, I would be carried gently to the bathroom and bathed by willing manservants. In a Wetherspoons, I suspect I would be battered senseless by the shaven-headed yob next to me.

I'm not sure you're right. Short of declaring a major medical emergency and calling an ambulance, I don't think any effective social mechanisms exist to deal with the eventuality of a grown man simultaneously puking and sh1tting himself. There can only be the terrible moment when everyone realises what's happened followed by panic.
08-01-2018, 02:55 PM
AFC East

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sir C

I once saw a chap shÃ*t himself and it was immediately apparent because, somewhat surprisingly, the merde emerged enthusiastically from his waistband; thumbing its nose at gravity, the shÃ*te travelled upwards.

wd shÃ*te.

How odd, but delightful all the same! His undergarments must have been very tight and of very high quality.
08-01-2018, 02:56 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by AFC East

Good call.

This will be a classic liquid fart situation, so something akin to an MC Hammer style trouser would be ideal or perhaps a lycra rich drainpipe affair, in white.

Adult nappies could be the thing. Or shoving a tampon or two up his pipe.
08-01-2018, 02:57 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sir C

No, they were sort of 50 year old suit trousers, foir he was a chap who lived in the back of an old Scammell truck parked behind the hangar on an airfield. Been there since the war, according to some.

Dead now, of course. Thank God.

They bred them differently back then. RIP upwards sh1tter..
08-01-2018, 02:58 PM
Sir C

Quote:

Originally Posted by Burney

I'm not sure you're right. Short of declaring a major medical emergency and calling an ambulance, I don't think any effective social mechanisms exist to deal with the eventuality of a grown man simultaneously puking and sh1tting himself. There can only be the terrible moment when everyone realises what's happened followed by panic.

To be fair, if I was standing at a bar and lost control of my bodily functions so catastrophically that I simultaneously vomited and moved my bowels, I'd want someone to call a fÃºcking ambulance. I mean, those sort of symptoms warrant more than some Andrews liver salts and a lie down, down't they? This is a case of dysentery at best!
08-01-2018, 02:59 PM
AFC East

Quote:

Originally Posted by Burney

Adult nappies could be the thing. Or shoving a tampon or two up his pipe.

I hope barrybueno is heeding this priceless advice.
08-01-2018, 02:59 PM
Sir C

Quote:

Originally Posted by Burney

They bred them differently back then. RIP upwards sh1tter..

Ron Browne was his name. RIP mad old Ron.

FÃºck me but he stank.
08-01-2018, 03:03 PM
Viva Prat Vegas

What an appropriate name for the gravity-defying defacator
08-01-2018, 03:04 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sir C

To be fair, if I was standing at a bar and lost control of my bodily functions so catastrophically that I simultaneously vomited and moved my bowels, I'd want someone to call a fÃºcking ambulance. I mean, those sort of symptoms warrant more than some Andrews liver salts and a lie down, down't they? This is a case of dysentery at best!

Yes. And even if they didn't, I'd go down and stay down feigning unconsciousness in that case just to avoid the social awkwardness involved in remaining upright and sentient.
08-01-2018, 03:05 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sir C

Ron Browne was his name. RIP mad old Ron.

FÃºck me but he stank.

RIP Foul Old Ron.
08-01-2018, 03:07 PM
Sir C

Quote:

Originally Posted by Burney

RIP Foul Old Ron.

You'd see some flash lad loading his guests into his Â£300,000 mini-airliner to pop them to Le Touquest for lunch, all full of himself, and ol' Ron would wander along, covered in his own shiÃ*te and hurling abuse at the demons who constantly surrounded him.. :hehe: Magical days.
08-01-2018, 03:08 PM
Sir C

Quote:

Originally Posted by Viva Prat Vegas

What an appropriate name for the gravity-defying defacator

I'm not going to lie, s, I sort of miss the filthy old madman.
08-01-2018, 03:08 PM
AFC East

Quote:

Originally Posted by Burney

Yes. And even if they didn't, I'd go down and stay down feigning unconsciousness in that case just to avoid the social awkwardness involved in remaining upright and sentient.

I think the technically correct response is: "Beat that." followed by a long draught of your beer.
08-01-2018, 03:10 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sir C

You'd see some flash lad loading his guests into his Â£300,000 mini-airliner to pop them to Le Touquest for lunch, all full of himself, and ol' Ron would wander along, covered in his own shiÃ*te and hurling abuse at the demons who constantly surrounded him.. :hehe: Magical days.

Do you think he might have been a war veteran whose mind had been twisted by the horrors he saw and could only suppress the demons with booze, though? :-(
08-01-2018, 03:12 PM
Viva Prat Vegas

I wonder whether Barry Bueno possesses the Browne genes
08-01-2018, 03:13 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by Viva Prat Vegas

I wonder whether Barry Bueno possesses the Browne genes

As opposed to brown jeans?

I was trying to come up with something about Brownian Motion, but couldn't really be arsed.
08-01-2018, 03:14 PM
Sir C

Quote:

Originally Posted by AFC East

I think the technically correct response is: "Beat that." followed by a long draught of your beer.

Nice.

Or you could try the more contrite route. "Oh I'm dreadfully sorry. Could someone fetch a mop?"
08-01-2018, 03:16 PM
Sir C

Quote:

Originally Posted by Burney

Do you think he might have been a war veteran whose mind had been twisted by the horrors he saw and could only suppress the demons with booze, though? :-(

No, he wasn't old enough. He was just a ridiculous old alkie. Still earnt his booze money working on aeroplanes when maintenance hangars were short-handed, mind. Good little fitter if you kept your distance.
08-01-2018, 03:17 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sir C

Nice.

Or you could try the more contrite route. "Oh I'm dreadfully sorry. Could someone fetch a mop?"

I had an acquaintance who, on farting, belching, coughing something up, having taken a particularly foul dump or puking would gravely intone 'Better an empty house than a bad lodger' as though this expiated all sins.

Needless to say, he was northern.
08-01-2018, 03:19 PM
Viva Prat Vegas

Were there any song requests played at his funeral ?

Browne Sh1tter by The Rolling Stones perhaps
08-01-2018, 03:20 PM
Viva Prat Vegas

Burney "I had an acquaintance who, on farting, belching, coughing something up, having taken a particularly foul dump or puking would gravely intone 'Better an empty house than a bad lodger' as though this expiated all sins.

Needless to say, he was northern."

Gotta be Prescott
Or Cyril Smith
08-01-2018, 03:21 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by Viva Prat Vegas

Were there any song requests played at his funeral ?

Browne Sh1tter by The Rolling Stones perhaps

'The Only Way Is Up?'

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