So Burney, last night as I ate my chicken kiev and salad, I discovered that my

right shovel technique has not entirely left me. It was the salad that required it. A finely chopped combination of lettuce, avocado, tomatoe, croutons and cucumber (with lashings of blue cheese dressing and a drizzle of hot sauce).

Stabbing every individual element was inefficient and unsatisfactory as it is optimal to have multiple elements in your mouth at one time. There was no way to place the salad on top of the chicken which I had stabbed with my left hand fork technique, so the only alternative was to shovel.

And as I am right handed, my right hand shovel technique is subtle and under-stated. I do have a left hand shovel technique as well but it pretty much involves me putting my left elbow in the ear of the person next to me.

All in all, it was the best way forward. :nod:

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Originally Posted by World's End Stella

right shovel technique has not entirely left me. It was the salad that required it. A finely chopped combination of lettuce, avocado, tomatoe, croutons and cucumber (with lashings of blue cheese dressing and a drizzle of hot sauce).

Stabbing every individual element was inefficient and unsatisfactory as it is optimal to have multiple elements in your mouth at one time. There was no way to place the salad on top of the chicken which I had stabbed with my left hand fork technique, so the only alternative was to shovel.

And as I am right handed, my right hand shovel technique is subtle and under-stated. I do have a left hand shovel technique as well but it pretty much involves me putting my left elbow in the ear of the person next to me.

All in all, it was the best way forward. :nod:

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Once, when eating alone, I ate my chopped salad with a tablespoon for most efficient shovelage.

There, I've said it.

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Originally Posted by World's End Stella

right shovel technique has not entirely left me. It was the salad that required it. A finely chopped combination of lettuce, avocado, tomatoe, croutons and cucumber (with lashings of blue cheese dressing and a drizzle of hot sauce).

Stabbing every individual element was inefficient and unsatisfactory as it is optimal to have multiple elements in your mouth at one time. There was no way to place the salad on top of the chicken which I had stabbed with my left hand fork technique, so the only alternative was to shovel.

And as I am right handed, my right hand shovel technique is subtle and under-stated. I do have a left hand shovel technique as well but it pretty much involves me putting my left elbow in the ear of the person next to me.

All in all, it was the best way forward. :nod:

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You don't have to stab everything. You push the food onto the back of your fork and bring it to your mouth. I appreciate that such a technique may seem difficult to the less evolved, but such are the sacrifices one has to make in order to be civilised. :shrug:

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Originally Posted by Sir C

Once, when eating alone, I ate my chopped salad with a tablespoon for most efficient shovelage.

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you ****ing animal

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Originally Posted by World's End Stella

right shovel technique has not entirely left me. It was the salad that required it. A finely chopped combination of lettuce, avocado, tomatoe, croutons and cucumber (with lashings of blue cheese dressing and a drizzle of hot sauce).

Stabbing every individual element was inefficient and unsatisfactory as it is optimal to have multiple elements in your mouth at one time. There was no way to place the salad on top of the chicken which I had stabbed with my left hand fork technique, so the only alternative was to shovel.

And as I am right handed, my right hand shovel technique is subtle and under-stated. I do have a left hand shovel technique as well but it pretty much involves me putting my left elbow in the ear of the person next to me.

All in all, it was the best way forward. :nod:

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At least if your elbow's in their ear they might not be able to hear you :wave:

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Originally Posted by Sir C

Once, when eating alone, I ate my chopped salad with a tablespoon for most efficient shovelage.

There, I've said it.

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Yes. but I've seen you lick the ooze from a boiled pig's nose, so you're hardly the doyen of table manners, are you?

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Originally Posted by IUFG

you ****ing animal

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:nod: I have no excuse, i.

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Originally Posted by Burney

Yes. but I've seen you lick the ooze from a boiled pig's nose, so you're hardly the doyen of table manners, are you?

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Excuse me! My exploits with dead pigs never take place at the table.

Anyway, everyone knows that all manners are negotiable when alone. After all, eating a kebab in one's underpants whilst watching football is acceptable when the glw is away, isn't it?

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Originally Posted by Sir C

Excuse me! My exploits with dead pigs never take place at the table.

Anyway, everyone knows that all manners are negotiable when alone. After all, eating a kebab in one's underpants whilst watching football is acceptable when the glw is away, isn't it?

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Of course. Table manners are for the benefit of others, so it could be argued that they are redundant when alone.

However, it is the mark of a true gentleman that he would dress for dinner and observe impeccable manners even when dining alone.

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Originally Posted by Burney

Of course. Table manners are for the benefit of others, so it could be argued that they are redundant when alone.

However, it is the mark of a true gentleman that he would dress for dinner and observe impeccable manners even when dining alone.

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Oh I should never dine naked, even whilst alone.

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Originally Posted by Sir C

Oh I should never dine naked, even whilst alone.

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:rubchin: I'm sure you've told me of an occasion in a hotel in Oxford involving cocktail sausages and a bottle of whisky.

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Originally Posted by Burney

:rubchin: I'm sure you've told me of an occasion in a hotel in Oxford involving cocktail sausages and a bottle of whisky.

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Jesus, man. I was having a breakdown brought on by watching mongs being taught to choir by Gareth. I defy anyone to resist the urge to strip naked and drink whisky under such provocation.

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Originally Posted by Burney

You don't have to stab everything. You push the food onto the back of your fork and bring it to your mouth. I appreciate that such a technique may seem difficult to the less evolved, but such are the sacrifices one has to make in order to be civilised. :shrug:

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One cannot hold salad on the back of a fork, it doesn't work I'm afraid, it just falls off and what remains isn't enough to properly enjoy it. You might as well just stab every individual piece.

No, the choice is between enjoying your food or keeping up appearances while falling victim to pretence.

I choose the former. :nod:

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Originally Posted by World's End Stella

One cannot hold salad on the back of a fork, it doesn't work I'm afraid, it just falls off and what remains isn't enough to properly enjoy it. You might as well just stab every individual piece.

No, the choice is between enjoying your food or keeping up appearances while falling victim to pretence.

I choose the former. :nod:

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Fair enough, but if you choose your own gross self-gratification over delicacy, consideration and politesse you cannot complain when people regard you as an uncouth colonial. :shrug:

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Originally Posted by Sir C

Jesus, man. I was having a breakdown brought on by watching mongs being taught to choir by Gareth. I defy anyone to resist the urge to strip naked and drink whisky under such provocation.

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Were they hoping to take part in The Eurovision Mong Contest? Was it called 'A Mong For Europe'?

An opportunity missed by the programme makers there, imo.

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Originally Posted by World's End Stella

right shovel technique has not entirely left me. It was the salad that required it. A finely chopped combination of lettuce, avocado, tomatoe, croutons and cucumber (with lashings of blue cheese dressing and a drizzle of hot sauce).

Stabbing every individual element was inefficient and unsatisfactory as it is optimal to have multiple elements in your mouth at one time. There was no way to place the salad on top of the chicken which I had stabbed with my left hand fork technique, so the only alternative was to shovel.

And as I am right handed, my right hand shovel technique is subtle and under-stated. I do have a left hand shovel technique as well but it pretty much involves me putting my left elbow in the ear of the person next to me.

All in all, it was the best way forward. :nod:

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I am not sure exactly what this action is. It kind of sounds like watching Steve Smith bat.

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Originally Posted by Peter

I am not sure exactly what this action is. It kind of sounds like watching Steve Smith bat.

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Too soon, p, too soon

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Originally Posted by Luis Anaconda

Too soon, p, too soon

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Devon Malcolm would have sorted him out.... :)

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Originally Posted by Luis Anaconda

Too soon, p, too soon

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I think we ought to strike a deal whereby we will allow him to average 70-odd in this series with the runs distributed wherever Australia want them just as long as we don't have to watch him bat.

It's the only humane option. Not only is he an awful batsman to watch, he's got a face I'd never tire of caving in with a shovel.

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Originally Posted by Peter

Devon Malcolm would have sorted him out.... :)

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Even a Flintoff might have made him jump around a bit. If only we had an all-rounder capable of bowling short, sharp fiery spells, eh

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Originally Posted by Luis Anaconda

Even a Flintoff might have made him jump around a bit. If only we had an all-rounder capable of bowling short, sharp fiery spells, eh

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I do think Swann made a good point when he said that Smith had done a great job convincing the world's bowlers that they shouldn't bowl straight at him.

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Originally Posted by Luis Anaconda

Even a Flintoff might have made him jump around a bit. If only we had an all-rounder capable of bowling short, sharp fiery spells, eh

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Unfortunately he is available to play anywhere in the world and for any ****nig cricket team other than england.

Well done ECB, again. And well done for grounding the england players over a nothing incident. EXACTLY what the australian players wanted.

****ing mugs.

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Originally Posted by Burney

I think we ought to strike a deal whereby we will allow him to average 70-odd in this series with the runs distributed wherever Australia want them just as long as we don't have to watch him bat.

It's the only humane option. Not only is he an awful batsman to watch, he's got a face I'd never tire of caving in with a shovel.

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I cant watch him at all, I have to turn it off. It is all made far, far harder to swallow by the fact that he is officially the best batsman in the world.

Watching Broad bat is no picnic either. Like watching a duck trying to walk on ice.