Off to do something stupid in a minute. After my violent food poisoning on Saturday

[barrybueno]

I'm going to try and have a few pints. I'm nowhere near fully recovered so a bit risky. Reckon there's 3 outcomes;

1. I'll throw up
2. I'll **** myself
3. Neither of the above and I'll feel ace

Will report back later :thumbup:

[Sir C]

I'm going to try and have a few pints. I'm nowhere near fully recovered so a bit risky. Reckon there's 3 outcomes;

1. I'll throw up
2. I'll **** myself
3. Neither of the above and I'll feel ace

Will report back later :thumbup:

Start with a port and brandy. This will settle the stomach. Move on to cooking lager, NOT Stella. All will be well.

I cannot recommend drinking bitter. You might shít yourself to death.

[Burney]

I'm going to try and have a few pints. I'm nowhere near fully recovered so a bit risky. Reckon there's 3 outcomes;

1. I'll throw up
2. I'll **** myself
3. Neither of the above and I'll feel ace

Will report back later :thumbup:

What was the cause of the mal d'estomac, bb? :-(

[Burney]

Start with a port and brandy. This will settle the stomach. Move on to cooking lager, NOT Stella. All will be well.

I cannot recommend drinking bitter. You might shít yourself to death.

Heroin would be his best bet. Binds you up lovely, does a bit of brown. :nod:

[barrybueno]

What was the cause of the mal d'estomac, bb? :-(

Two suspects, either Friday nights kebab which I finished Saturday morning or one of the 3 fried eggs I had after it. The yolk was more green than yellow but I was still half cut and didn't give a ****e. Given plenty since :hehe: :****:

[AFC East]

I'm going to try and have a few pints. I'm nowhere near fully recovered so a bit risky. Reckon there's 3 outcomes;

1. I'll throw up
2. I'll **** myself


You seem to be discounting 1 AND 2 at the same time, that's the great leveller. I'd put a bucket in your bathroom before you go out, just in case.

[Burney]

Two suspects, either Friday nights kebab which I finished Saturday morning or one of the 3 fried eggs I had after it. The yolk was more green than yellow but I was still half cut and didn't give a ****e. Given plenty since :hehe: :****:

I'd go with the egg, tbh. Listeria, probably. Salmonella, even? All in all, an excellent aid to weight loss.

[Sir C]

You seem to be discounting 1 AND 2 at the same time, that's the great leveller. I'd put a bucket in your bathroom before you go out, just in case.

I wonder if anyone has ever simultaneously puked and shít themselves at the bar of O'Neill's in Beckenham? bb may well be making history tonight. wd bb!

[Burney]

I wonder if anyone has ever simultaneously puked and shít themselves at the bar of O'Neill's in Beckenham? bb may well be making history tonight. wd bb!

I once did in the Chat House in South Croydon. Happily, the sink was in puking distance of the lavatory.

That was a bad evening. :-(

[Sir C]

I once did in the Chat House in South Croydon. Happily, the sink was in puking distance of the lavatory.

That was a bad evening. :-(

Not 'at the bar' though, was it? Any fool can void himself in the khazi, b. True heroism is being blown asunder with one's foot still perched on the rail.

[AFC East]

I wonder if anyone has ever simultaneously puked and shít themselves at the bar of O'Neill's in Beckenham? bb may well be making history tonight. wd bb!

This made me chuckle.

I do hope he's wearing suitably light coloured trousers. It would be a shame if his friends missed the full wonderment of the moment.

[Burney]

Not 'at the bar' though, was it? Any fool can void himself in the khazi, b. True heroism is being blown asunder with one's foot still perched on the rail.

What would one do in that situation, though? Stand there and try and style it out, slowly retreating to the door? Or flee into the night like a feculent Mr Hyde, leaving behind a trail of soupy bowel water and chunder?

[Burney]

This made me chuckle.

I do hope he's wearing suitably light coloured trousers. It would be a shame if his friends missed the full wonderment of the moment.

Two pairs of pants, brown trousers and bicycle clips imo.

[Sir C]

What would one do in that situation, though? Stand there and try and style it out, slowly retreating to the door? Or flee into the night like a feculent Mr Hyde, leaving behind a trail of soupy bowel water and chunder?

That would depend entirely upon the quality of the establishment. Should such a thing ever happen to me in my usual watering hole, I would be carried gently to the bathroom and bathed by willing manservants. In a Wetherspoons, I suspect I would be battered senseless by the shaven-headed yob next to me.

[Sir C]

This made me chuckle.

I do hope he's wearing suitably light coloured trousers. It would be a shame if his friends missed the full wonderment of the moment.

I once saw a chap shít himself and it was immediately apparent because, somewhat surprisingly, the merde emerged enthusiastically from his waistband; thumbing its nose at gravity, the shíte travelled upwards.

wd shíte.

[Burney]

I once saw a chap shít himself and it was immediately apparent because, somewhat surprisingly, the merde emerged enthusiastically from his waistband; thumbing its nose at gravity, the shíte travelled upwards.

wd shíte.

Was he wearing very tight trousers? I can't think of any other explanation.

[AFC East]

Two pairs of pants, brown trousers and bicycle clips imo.

Good call.

This will be a classic liquid fart situation, so something akin to an MC Hammer style trouser would be ideal or perhaps a lycra rich drainpipe affair, in white.

[Sir C]

Was he wearing very tight trousers? I can't think of any other explanation.

No, they were sort of 50 year old suit trousers, foir he was a chap who lived in the back of an old Scammell truck parked behind the hangar on an airfield. Been there since the war, according to some.

Dead now, of course. Thank God.

[Burney]

That would depend entirely upon the quality of the establishment. Should such a thing ever happen to me in my usual watering hole, I would be carried gently to the bathroom and bathed by willing manservants. In a Wetherspoons, I suspect I would be battered senseless by the shaven-headed yob next to me.

I'm not sure you're right. Short of declaring a major medical emergency and calling an ambulance, I don't think any effective social mechanisms exist to deal with the eventuality of a grown man simultaneously puking and sh1tting himself. There can only be the terrible moment when everyone realises what's happened followed by panic.

[AFC East]

I once saw a chap shít himself and it was immediately apparent because, somewhat surprisingly, the merde emerged enthusiastically from his waistband; thumbing its nose at gravity, the shíte travelled upwards.

wd shíte.

How odd, but delightful all the same! His undergarments must have been very tight and of very high quality.

[Burney]

Good call.

This will be a classic liquid fart situation, so something akin to an MC Hammer style trouser would be ideal or perhaps a lycra rich drainpipe affair, in white.

Adult nappies could be the thing. Or shoving a tampon or two up his pipe.

[Burney]

No, they were sort of 50 year old suit trousers, foir he was a chap who lived in the back of an old Scammell truck parked behind the hangar on an airfield. Been there since the war, according to some.

Dead now, of course. Thank God.

They bred them differently back then. RIP upwards sh1tter..

[Sir C]

I'm not sure you're right. Short of declaring a major medical emergency and calling an ambulance, I don't think any effective social mechanisms exist to deal with the eventuality of a grown man simultaneously puking and sh1tting himself. There can only be the terrible moment when everyone realises what's happened followed by panic.

To be fair, if I was standing at a bar and lost control of my bodily functions so catastrophically that I simultaneously vomited and moved my bowels, I'd want someone to call a fúcking ambulance. I mean, those sort of symptoms warrant more than some Andrews liver salts and a lie down, down't they? This is a case of dysentery at best!

[AFC East]

Adult nappies could be the thing. Or shoving a tampon or two up his pipe.

I hope barrybueno is heeding this priceless advice.

[Sir C]

They bred them differently back then. RIP upwards sh1tter..

Ron Browne was his name. RIP mad old Ron.

Fúck me but he stank.

[Viva Prat Vegas]

What an appropriate name for the gravity-defying defacator

[Burney]

To be fair, if I was standing at a bar and lost control of my bodily functions so catastrophically that I simultaneously vomited and moved my bowels, I'd want someone to call a fúcking ambulance. I mean, those sort of symptoms warrant more than some Andrews liver salts and a lie down, down't they? This is a case of dysentery at best!

Yes. And even if they didn't, I'd go down and stay down feigning unconsciousness in that case just to avoid the social awkwardness involved in remaining upright and sentient.

[Burney]

Ron Browne was his name. RIP mad old Ron.

Fúck me but he stank.

RIP Foul Old Ron.

[Sir C]

RIP Foul Old Ron.

You'd see some flash lad loading his guests into his £300,000 mini-airliner to pop them to Le Touquest for lunch, all full of himself, and ol' Ron would wander along, covered in his own shiíte and hurling abuse at the demons who constantly surrounded him.. :hehe: Magical days.

[Sir C]

What an appropriate name for the gravity-defying defacator

I'm not going to lie, s, I sort of miss the filthy old madman.

[AFC East]

Yes. And even if they didn't, I'd go down and stay down feigning unconsciousness in that case just to avoid the social awkwardness involved in remaining upright and sentient.

I think the technically correct response is: "Beat that." followed by a long draught of your beer.

[Burney]

You'd see some flash lad loading his guests into his £300,000 mini-airliner to pop them to Le Touquest for lunch, all full of himself, and ol' Ron would wander along, covered in his own shiíte and hurling abuse at the demons who constantly surrounded him.. :hehe: Magical days.

Do you think he might have been a war veteran whose mind had been twisted by the horrors he saw and could only suppress the demons with booze, though? :-(

[Viva Prat Vegas]

I wonder whether Barry Bueno possesses the Browne genes

[Burney]

I wonder whether Barry Bueno possesses the Browne genes

As opposed to brown jeans?

I was trying to come up with something about Brownian Motion, but couldn't really be arsed.

[Sir C]

I think the technically correct response is: "Beat that." followed by a long draught of your beer.

Nice.

Or you could try the more contrite route. "Oh I'm dreadfully sorry. Could someone fetch a mop?"

[Sir C]

Do you think he might have been a war veteran whose mind had been twisted by the horrors he saw and could only suppress the demons with booze, though? :-(

No, he wasn't old enough. He was just a ridiculous old alkie. Still earnt his booze money working on aeroplanes when maintenance hangars were short-handed, mind. Good little fitter if you kept your distance.

[Burney]

Nice.

Or you could try the more contrite route. "Oh I'm dreadfully sorry. Could someone fetch a mop?"

I had an acquaintance who, on farting, belching, coughing something up, having taken a particularly foul dump or puking would gravely intone 'Better an empty house than a bad lodger' as though this expiated all sins.

Needless to say, he was northern.

[Viva Prat Vegas]

Were there any song requests played at his funeral ?

Browne Sh1tter by The Rolling Stones perhaps

[Viva Prat Vegas]

Burney "I had an acquaintance who, on farting, belching, coughing something up, having taken a particularly foul dump or puking would gravely intone 'Better an empty house than a bad lodger' as though this expiated all sins.

Needless to say, he was northern."

Gotta be Prescott
Or Cyril Smith

[Burney]

Were there any song requests played at his funeral ?

Browne Sh1tter by The Rolling Stones perhaps

'The Only Way Is Up?'

[AFC East]

I had an acquaintance who, on farting, belching, coughing something up, having taken a particularly foul dump or puking would gravely intone 'Better an empty house than a bad lodger' as though this expiated all sins.

Needless to say, he was northern.

For a mere acquaintance you've shared some very intimate situations. I dread to think how close you get to a genuine friend!

[Burney]

For a mere acquaintance you've shared some very intimate situations. I dread to think how close you get to a genuine friend!

I lived with him at University. On one famous occasion he was so proud of a dump that he'd taken that he refused to flush it until we'd all seen it. These were the days before cameraphones, so we were all expected to troop in there and wonder at his monstrous log.

I quite liked him, but I'm not sure he was fully human. :-(

[Sir C]

I lived with him at University. On one famous occasion he was so proud of a dump that he'd taken that he refused to flush it until we'd all seen it. These were the days before cameraphones, so we were all expected to troop in there and wonder at his monstrous log.

I quite liked him, but I'm not sure he was fully human. :-(

I told you about my good chum's 18th birthday, I believe? So píssed did we make him that I feared for his life, so I accompanied him to his room (this was at school) and climbed into bed with him, determined to save him from choking on his won sick. Waking in the middle of the night and wandering about the dreadful smell, I soon realised that he had shít himself and covered us both in it. The remarkable thing was how far the shít had travelled. It was in my hair, for fúck's sake.

I had to wake people up to help drag him to the shower without waking the housemaster who was a right horrible ****.

[WES]

I'd go with the egg, tbh. Listeria, probably. Salmonella, even? All in all, an excellent aid to weight loss.

See also pneumonia. I was off for two weeks with it during which the sun shone almost constantly. I lay in my garden coughing/sleeping for two weeks as it wore off.

When I got back to work I had a nice tan and was a stone lighter. Everyone kept telling me how good I looked and asked where I'd been, :-\

[Burney]

I told you about my good chum's 18th birthday, I believe? So píssed did we make him that I feared for his life, so I accompanied him to his room (this was at school) and climbed into bed with him, determined to save him from choking on his won sick. Waking in the middle of the night and wandering about the dreadful smell, I soon realised that he had shít himself and covered us both in it. The remarkable thing was how far the shít had travelled. It was in my hair, for fúck's sake.

I had to wake people up to help drag him to the shower without waking the housemaster who was a right horrible ****.

Yes. Although I can't help but feel you rather zoomed past the bit where you climbed into bed with a hopelessly drunk adolescent boy there, tbh. :sherlock:

[AFC East]

I lived with him at University. On one famous occasion he was so proud of a dump that he'd taken that he refused to flush it until we'd all seen it. These were the days before cameraphones, so we were all expected to troop in there and wonder at his monstrous log.

I quite liked him, but I'm not sure he was fully human. :-(

Sounds a blast, as long as you didn't live with him :-/

[Sir C]

Yes. Although I can't help but feel you rather zoomed past the bit where you climbed into bed with a hopelessly drunk adolescent boy there, tbh. :sherlock:

:shrug: You closet heems see sexytime everywhere, b.

I was píssed. There was one bed :shrug:

[Burney]

:shrug: You closet heems see sexytime everywhere, b.

I was píssed. There was one bed :shrug:

I once p1ssed the bed while sharing it with a chum, to be fair. My first attempt at drinking whisky. We were about 16. He was very good about it, in fairness. Tony Lark, his name was.

[Peter]

I once p1ssed the bed while sharing it with a chum, to be fair. My first attempt at drinking whisky. We were about 16. He was very good about it, in fairness. Tony Lark, his name was.

THis is without question the most revolting thread I have ever seen on here.

[Burney]

THis is without question the most revolting thread I have ever seen on here.

There's nothing revolting about natural bodily functions, p, you old puritan.

[Sir C]

THis is without question the most revolting thread I have ever seen on here.

Life is a harsh reality, p. Blood, shít, pus, píss, these are aspects of humanity with which we must deal. It's not all unicorns and extra turnips all round, comrade!