There's some great stuff in this Bad Sex thread on the Literary Review

[Burney]

I'm still reeling from the phrase 'weeping orifice'

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[Herbert Augustus Chapman]

I'm still reeling from the phrase 'weeping orifice'

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I once managed to endure some frightful Jilly Cooper novel in which she wrote about sex as if she'd never actually done it.

[Burney]

I once managed to endure some frightful Jilly Cooper novel in which she wrote about sex as if she'd never actually done it.

Basically, no-one should ever attempt to write about sex for any reason other than the masturbatory. One is forced either to describe a number of individually mundane physical actions or (and this is where the worst sex writing happens) drift into the metaphysical, at which point everything goes to shïte.

[Herbert Augustus Chapman]

Basically, no-one should ever attempt to write about sex for any reason other than the masturbatory. One is forced either to describe a number of individually mundane physical actions or (and this is where the worst sex writing happens) drift into the metaphysical, at which point everything goes to shïte.

And certain women seem to think they can craft a a passage about sex without actually acknowledging that the participants have genitals.

[Burney]

And certain women seem to think they can craft a a passage about sex without actually acknowledging that the participants have genitals.

Well that's another problem. The female genitalia have a certain mystery, I suppose, but there is nothing even vaguely mysterious or ambiguous about the penïs. It is simply a crude fückstick whose sole purpose is penetration. Writing about it in any detail therefore becomes ridiculous very quickly.

[Monty92]

Well that's another problem. The female genitalia have a certain mystery, I suppose, but there is nothing even vaguely mysterious or ambiguous about the penïs. It is simply a crude fückstick whose sole purpose is penetration. Writing about it in any detail therefore becomes ridiculous very quickly.

Translation: "I have absolutely no idea where the clitoris is"

[Burney]

Translation: "I have absolutely no idea where the clitoris is"

Do you think there's a straight man left in the western world who doesn't know where there fücking clitoris is? We've had the fücking thing rammed down our throats for decades now.

For any ladies reading this: if your man isn't stimulating your clitoris, it's not because he doesn't know where it is. It's because he can't be arsed.

[Luis Anaconda]

Do you think there's a straight man left in the western world who doesn't know where there fücking clitoris is? We've had the fücking thing rammed down our throats for decades now.

For any ladies reading this: if your man isn't stimulating your clitoris, it's not because he doesn't know where it is. It's because he can't be arsed.
And you say people can't write about sex

[Monty92]

Do you think there's a straight man left in the western world who doesn't know where there fücking clitoris is? We've had the fücking thing rammed down our throats for decades now.

For any ladies reading this: if your man isn't stimulating your clitoris, it's not because he doesn't know where it is. It's because he can't be arsed.

You say that, but I once had a sex with a woman and couldn't find it anywhere. I even looked under her ball-sack just to be sure.

[Burney]

You say that, but I once had a sex with a woman and couldn't find it anywhere. I even looked under her ball-sack just to be sure.

Was she Somalian?

[Sir C]

Well that's another problem. The female genitalia have a certain mystery, I suppose, but there is nothing even vaguely mysterious or ambiguous about the penïs. It is simply a crude fückstick whose sole purpose is penetration. Writing about it in any detail therefore becomes ridiculous very quickly.

Mine's for pissing through.

[Burney]

Mine's for pissing through.

Yes. When the old prostate allows.

[Peter]

Do you think there's a straight man left in the western world who doesn't know where there fücking clitoris is? We've had the fücking thing rammed down our throats for decades now.

For any ladies reading this: if your man isn't stimulating your clitoris, it's not because he doesn't know where it is. It's because he can't be arsed.

Some men find it emasculating. "I shouldn't have to do all this, surely ramming the old fella in is enough. If she dont like it she can go and **** herself"

Which, of course, many women do :)