I've got to go to a black tie do tonight that's going to be full of glorified cabbies

[Sir C]

It's in a conference hotel near Gatwick. There will be dried out chicken breast. There will be a z list TV presenter to hand out the cráppy awards. There will be a Monopoly money casino.

There will be banter.

How many bad life decisions must have I have made that I still need to do this shít?

[Pat Vegas]

It's in a conference hotel near Gatwick. There will be dried out chicken breast. There will be a z list TV presenter to hand out the cráppy awards. There will be a Monopoly money casino.

There will be banter.

How many bad life decisions must have I have made that I still need to do this shít?

I like observing the floor manager at these events. They can be quite rhythmical when pointing to the waiters where to put the dishes out. lot's of pointing and spinning.

[Burney]

It's in a conference hotel near Gatwick. There will be dried out chicken breast. There will be a z list TV presenter to hand out the cráppy awards. There will be a Monopoly money casino.

There will be banter.

How many bad life decisions must have I have made that I still need to do this shít?

I haven't had to go to one of those for ages. I must be due one soon. :-(

[Pat Vegas]

I haven't had to go to one of those for ages. I must be due one soon. :-(

I went to a Food and Drink awards once when I was working in hotels.

we had a photo with Jean Christophe Novelli and I proceeded to knock over a bunch of lighting off the stage :-(

[Sir C]

I haven't had to go to one of those for ages. I must be due one soon. :-(

The worst bit is the people I'm going with. A bunch of lads who appear to think that's it's still 1973. Rampant racism, sexism and homophobia are de rigeuer, the extent of which repulses even my somewhat robust sensibilities :-(

There will be Sambucca shots. I guarantee it.

Tomorrow I will drive home trying not to puke. This is no way for an adult to make a living.

[Burney]

I went to a Food and Drink awards once when I was working in hotels.

we had a photo with Jean Christophe Novelli and I proceeded to knock over a bunch of lighting off the stage :-(

Sir C once had a cooking lesson with him. He came back with insane ideas about putting vanilla in tomato sauces and I've consequently viewed Novelli with deep suspicion ever since.

[Burney]

The worst bit is the people I'm going with. A bunch of lads who appear to think that's it's still 1973. Rampant racism, sexism and homophobia are de rigeuer, the extent of which repulses even my somewhat robust sensibilities :-(

There will be Sambucca shots. I guarantee it.

Tomorrow I will drive home trying not to puke. This is no way for an adult to make a living.

Are these the chaps with whom you normally go to the darts?

[Sir C]

Are these the chaps with whom you normally go to the darts?

Lord no, they're a great bunch of lads; we go to the darts ironically.

No, these are chaps from a major EU-based motor manufacturer which appears to have a similar culture to that of British Leyland.

[Burney]

Lord no, they're a great bunch of lads; we go to the darts ironically.

No, these are chaps from a major EU-based motor manufacturer which appears to have a similar culture to that of British Leyland.

:hehe: Maybe Jim Davidson will be the celeb?

[Sir C]

Sir C once had a cooking lesson with him. He came back with insane ideas about putting vanilla in tomato sauces and I've consequently viewed Novelli with deep suspicion ever since.

I spent all of that day basically pressed up against him. Every time he asked a question I was in there like a shot. At one point he asked everyone to taste a sauce and demanded to know the missing final ingredient; when I went to answer he held up his hand and said, 'I know you know, but I wonder if anyone else does?'

They didn't. It was lemon. He beamed at me because I hadn't let him down and I almost passed out with pleasure.

[Sir C]

:hehe: Maybe Jim Davidson will be the celeb?

I had lunch with one of them last week and we both noted an extremely attractive young lady walk past our table.

His opening gambit? "Let's rape her and then kill her."

I shít you not.

[Pat Vegas]

I had lunch with one of them last week and we both noted an extremely attractive young lady walk past our table.

His opening gambit? "Let's rape her and then kill her."

I shít you not.

:cloud9: he will be the future Prime Minister.

[Burney]

I spent all of that day basically pressed up against him. Every time he asked a question I was in there like a shot. At one point he asked everyone to taste a sauce and demanded to know the missing final ingredient; when I went to answer he held up his hand and said, 'I know you know, but I wonder if anyone else does?'

They didn't. It was lemon. He beamed at me because I hadn't let him down and I almost passed out with pleasure.

So you were a class swot? :-(

[Burney]

I had lunch with one of them last week and we both noted an extremely attractive young lady walk past our table.

His opening gambit? "Let's rape her and then kill her."

I shít you not.

Wow. There's nowhere you can go with that beyond nervous laughter, is there?

Unless you bagsy first dibs, I suppose.

[Sir C]

So you were a class swot? :-(

I wish it were that dignified. I was an unashamed teacher's pet/fanboy :-(

It was sickening.

[Viva Prat Vegas]

Tomorrow I will drive home

:-( Your friend will have his driving ban doubled