I'm off to The Battle of the Somme tonight.

[Ash]

http://www.southbankcentre.co.uk/whatson/the-battle-of-the-somme-98032

[Burney]

http://www.southbankcentre.co.uk/whatson/the-battle-of-the-somme-98032

Weren't large chunks of it staged, though? The actual battle stuff, for instance.

[Ash]

Weren't large chunks of it staged, though? The actual battle stuff, for instance.

Now you've spoiled it. :-(

[Sir C]

Now you've spoiled it. :-(

Actually I read a book about the making of the film which was fascinating, and I can reassure you that actually I can't remember anything about it :-(

[Burney]

Now you've spoiled it. :-(

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I think it's just the battle scenes, if that's any consolation. There's some pretty unconvincing stuff of people going over the top and falling over pretendy-dead that has long been known to be faked. I'm sure it'll still be interesting, though.

[Burney]

Actually I read a book about the making of the film which was fascinating, and I can reassure you that actually I can't remember anything about it :-(

Of course it's much more interesting when fictionalised by William Boyd in The New Confessions.

[Ash]

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I think it's just the battle scenes, if that's any consolation. There's some pretty unconvincing stuff of people going over the top and falling over pretendy-dead that has long been known to be faked. I'm sure it'll still be interesting, though.

tbh I was expecting that. In fact I was all ready to keep my eyes peeled for any vistas of Hampstead Heath that I might recognise. After all, that's where the Boer War was fought on the newsreels. According to my history teacher.

[Sir C]

Of course it's much more interesting when fictionalised by William Boyd in The New Confessions.

Oh, that was probably it then. It's a wonder I remember to breathe in and out, these days.

[Burney]

tbh I was expecting that. In fact I was all ready to keep my eyes peeled for any vistas of Hampstead Heath that I might recognise. After all, that's where the Boer War was fought on the newsreels. According to my history teacher.

Well there's certainly no shortage of chaps going Commando on Hampstead Heath, that's for sure.

Sorry, but I'm a bit short on Boer War material.

[Burney]

Oh, that was probably it then. It's a wonder I remember to breathe in and out, these days.

I've been thinking about it and I'm going to risk heresy by asking this question:

What's actually so wrong with frozen chips?

I mean, I would greatly prefer them to a badly-made 'proper' chip (and some of the twice- and thrice-cooked efforts I've had in restaurants over the years have been thoroughly nasty, let me tell you) and making one's own is sometimes a fûcking ball-ache. I think a frozen chip is a perfectly respectable standby.

There. I've said it.

[Sir C]

I've been thinking about it and I'm going to risk heresy by asking this question:

What's actually so wrong with frozen chips?

I mean, I would greatly prefer them to a badly-made 'proper' chip (and some of the twice- and thrice-cooked efforts I've had in restaurants over the years have been thoroughly nasty, let me tell you) and making one's own is sometimes a fûcking ball-ache. I think a frozen chip is a perfectly respectable standby.

There. I've said it.

Yes. You've said it.

I am not the sort to make a value judgement about such a matter. You have every right to hold and express such a view, and, whilst not necessarily agreeing with you, I am grateful that you have stated it publicly so that we can easily identify you as having become some sort of degraded, fúcked up sub-human wasteman, and can keep you isolated from our children and our pets.

[Sir C]

Well there's certainly no shortage of chaps going Commando on Hampstead Heath, that's for sure.

Sorry, but I'm a bit short on Boer War material.

Well that's not much kop. Actually it's a bit boering.

[Burney]

Yes. You've said it.

I am not the sort to make a value judgement about such a matter. You have every right to hold and express such a view, and, whilst not necessarily agreeing with you, I am grateful that you have stated it publicly so that we can easily identify you as having become some sort of degraded, fúcked up sub-human wasteman, and can keep you isolated from our children and our pets.

I think they're nice. Crispy on the outside, fluffy in the middle, not greasy or overcooked - lovely.

[Ash]

I think they're nice. Crispy on the outside, fluffy in the middle, not greasy or overcooked - lovely.

Especially nice with gravy.

[Burney]

Especially nice with gravy.

Yes. Or - dare I say it - curry.