You enter the men’s room, with your bowels reminding you of an urgent need

[World's End Stella]

There are two urinals, two stalls and two sink basins. The first stall is occupied, the second is free but you think you notice a slight movement in the door. You glance towards the sinks to see one man standing there washing his hands. As you glance over, he catches your eye and gives you a slightly guilty look.

At this point the scent of human faeces wafts gently past your nose and the washroom door closes firmly behind you.

What do you do next?

[Sir C]

There are two urinals, two stalls and two sink basins. The first stall is occupied, the second is free but you think you notice a slight movement in the door. You glance towards the sinks to see one man standing there washing his hands. As you glance over, he catches your eye and gives you a slightly guilty look.

At this point the scent of human faeces wafts gently past your nose and the washroom doors closes firmly behind you.

What do you do next?

There are issues here.

1. 'Men's room'? Fúck off.
2. Being an adult, I have learnt to control my bowels. I admit, when I was a baby I had no control over my bowel movements and would defecate into my nappy, but now I am grown up, I have learnt to leave my faecal matter in my own lavatory, in my own home. I find this habit of ****ting in random places, willy-nilly, somewhat troubling. Are you genetically a dog?

[World's End Stella]

There are issues here.

1. 'Men's room'? Fúck off.
2. Being an adult, I have learnt to control my bowels. I admit, when I was a baby I had no control over my bowel movements and would defecate into my nappy, but now I am grown up, I have learnt to leave my faecal matter in my own lavatory, in my own home. I find this habit of ****ting in random places, willy-nilly, somewhat troubling. Are you genetically a dog?

A human being who had complete control of his bowels regardless of what he had eaten or any stomach affliction he might have acquired would be a medical freak.

You aren't a medical freak, are you Charles?

[Mo Britain less Europe]

I'm with Sir C. I'm rarely caught short. There are a few public facilities with the required privacy I will use but otherwise home is where the **** lies.

[Burney]

There are two urinals, two stalls and two sink basins. The first stall is occupied, the second is free but you think you notice a slight movement in the door. You glance towards the sinks to see one man standing there washing his hands. As you glance over, he catches your eye and gives you a slightly guilty look.

At this point the scent of human faeces wafts gently past your nose and the washroom door closes firmly behind you.

What do you do next?

If the man has left 'a slight movement' in the door, I'd report him to the authorities.

[Burney]

There are issues here.

1. 'Men's room'? Fúck off.
2. Being an adult, I have learnt to control my bowels. I admit, when I was a baby I had no control over my bowel movements and would defecate into my nappy, but now I am grown up, I have learnt to leave my faecal matter in my own lavatory, in my own home. I find this habit of ****ting in random places, willy-nilly, somewhat troubling. Are you genetically a dog?


To be fair, you do generally work about 100 yards from your own lavatory, so you ought perhaps to accept that your experience of such matters is hardly universal.

[Sir C]

A human being who had complete control of his bowels regardless of what he had eaten or any stomach affliction he might have acquired would be a medical freak.

You aren't a medical freak, are you Charles?

If you'd spent as much time as I up the Zambezi, you too would learn to ****e only when appropriate.

[Viva Prat Vegas]

:sherlock:
The Phantom ****ter case has been solved
It is Wesley

[Burney]

:sherlock:
The Phantom ****ter case has been solved
It is Wesley

More problematically, I have two lavatories - one downstairs by the front door and the other upstairs. I find myself getting unreasonably distressed if anyone uses the downstairs one for defecation, not least because it's usually one of my stepsons and they then proceed to leave the door open, meaning I am greeted by the stench as I descend the stairs of a morning.

Is it reasonable for me to issue a diktat forbidding defecation in this lavatory or am I just turning into a mad old freak?

[Sir C]

More problematically, I have two lavatories - one downstairs by the front door and the other upstairs. I find myself getting unreasonably distressed if anyone uses the downstairs one for defecation, not least because it's usually one of my stepsons and they then proceed to leave the door open, meaning I am greeted by the stench as I descend the stairs of a morning.

Is it reasonable for me to issue a diktat forbidding defecation in this lavatory or am I just turning into a mad old freak?

You're approaching the issue from the wrong angle. The answer is to alter the child's diet, so that the aroma is tranformed into the good, honest, earthy smell of a gentleman's droppings.

[Burney]

You're approaching the issue from the wrong angle. The answer is to alter the child's diet, so that the aroma is tranformed into the good, honest, earthy smell of a gentleman's droppings.

Since they only live with us a few days every fortnight, most of the time I have little or no control over their diet. And since their father is a Chelsea fan, God alone knows what he feeds them.

No, I think I'm going to have to put up a notice.

[Viva Prat Vegas]

I suggest you buy them both a subtle hint present for Christmas
1 Po (to live under the bed)
1 Febreeze demister
1 pack of transparent airtight sealable plastic bags (or steal a wad of free bags from the Tesco fruit & veg section)

Once a month they can post them to me and I will put them in my neighbours wheelie bin

[World's End Stella]

Well as no one else will answer my question, I'll do it.

I would walk over to the unoccupied sink, wash my hands until the chap had left, then slowly open the unused stall door and take a faint sniff. If the smell wasn't too bad I'd use the toilet then and there. If it was bad, I'd exit the washroom and look for another.

I hate it when that happens :-(

[Mo Britain less Europe]

More problematically, I have two lavatories - one downstairs by the front door and the other upstairs. I find myself getting unreasonably distressed if anyone uses the downstairs one for defecation, not least because it's usually one of my stepsons and they then proceed to leave the door open, meaning I am greeted by the stench as I descend the stairs of a morning.

Is it reasonable for me to issue a diktat forbidding defecation in this lavatory or am I just turning into a mad old freak?

I have an en suite which is my favoured dropping-off point and the only person allowed to use it (sometimes) is my wife.

[Burney]

I have an en suite which is my favoured dropping-off point and the only person allowed to use it (sometimes) is my wife.

But would you use the ensuite for defecation if your wife is in bed and able to hear your awful shītting noises and possibly smell the result? I can't be doing with that, I'm afraid. I need to know I am neither visible or audible in order to move my bowels comfortably.

[SWv2]

I have an en suite which is my favoured dropping-off point and the only person allowed to use it (sometimes) is my wife.

Thus making your bedroom stink of ****e?

You disgust me Mo.

[Burney]

Thus making your bedroom stink of ****e?

You disgust me Mo.

:nod: It's not right.

[Viva Prat Vegas]

Thus making your bedroom stink of ****e?

You disgust me Mo.

Mo might live in a pig sty
The smell of his bowel deposits is a welcome change in the atmos

[Mo Britain less Europe]

Thus making your bedroom stink of ****e?

You disgust me Mo.

No. The bathroom is well-aired and the door to the bedroom kept firmly shut. I would only use this anyway when there's no-one in the bedroom.

But in any case I am that rare exception, someone with sweet-smelling faeces. At least, that's what my mother always said.

[World's End Stella]

But would you use the ensuite for defecation if your wife is in bed and able to hear your awful shītting noises and possibly smell the result? I can't be doing with that, I'm afraid. I need to know I am neither visible or audible in order to move my bowels comfortably.

Burney in anal retentive shocker.

So what would you do in this case?

[Burney]

Burney in anal retentive shocker.

So what would you do in this case?

I wouldn't be in the situation in the first place since - for the reasons outlined above - I don't defecate in public places like a fùcking animal.

[SWv2]

No. The bathroom is well-aired and the door to the bedroom kept firmly shut. I would only use this anyway when there's no-one in the bedroom.

But in any case I am that rare exception, someone with sweet-smelling faeces. At least, that's what my mother always said.


What if it is Sunday and you have had 6-8 beers the night before, perhaps some red, a nice meal, perhaps even a nice spicy indian with a side involving pulses?

You still essentially **** in your bedroom don’t you.

I see this as a turning point in our relationship Mo.

[World's End Stella]

I wouldn't be in the situation in the first place since - for the reasons outlined above - I don't defecate in public places like a fùcking animal.

No, I meant you have an en suite, your wife is sleeping and you have an urgent need to evacuate your bowels.

You wouldn't use your en suite?

[Burney]

What if it is Sunday and you have had 6-8 beers the night before, perhaps some red, a nice meal, perhaps even a nice spicy indian with a side involving pulses?

You still essentially **** in your bedroom don’t you.

I see this as a turning point in our relationship Mo.

:hehe: Rem Acu Tetigisti, sw. You have touched the point with a needle.

[Burney]

No, I meant you have an en suite, your wife is sleeping and you have an urgent need to evacuate your bowels.

You wouldn't use your en suite?

No. I won't even use them when staying in hotels with my wife unless she's out of the hotel room.

[World's End Stella]

No. I won't even use them when staying in hotels with my wife unless she's out of the hotel room.

:clap:

10 ****ing characters

[Viva Prat Vegas]

Do you tell her to kindly leave the room when you can no longer keep it in and feel your bowels are about to give way and spew?

[Burney]

Do you tell her to kindly leave the room when you can no longer keep it in and feel your bowels are about to give way and spew?

No, I have control over my bowel movements. Were I to find myself unable to control them, I would contact a medical professional.

[World's End Stella]

No, I have control over my bowel movements. Were I to find myself unable to control them, I would contact a medical professional.

And I expect that the medical professional would tell you something along the lines of 'when you gotta go, you gotta go, that's how the human body works, Burney'

[Mo Britain less Europe]

No, I meant you have an en suite, your wife is sleeping and you have an urgent need to evacuate your bowels.

You wouldn't use your en suite?

I wouldn't. My place is equipped with three bathrooms.

[World's End Stella]

I wouldn't. My place is equipped with three bathrooms.

You lot are too uptight for words. I'm nothing if not regular and each Mon-Fri at 6am, shortly after rising, I evacuate in my en suite not more than 8-10 feet from my sleeping wife.

Quite why anyone wouldn't is beyond me.

[Mo Britain less Europe]

You lot are too uptight for words. I'm nothing if not regular and each Mon-Fri at 6am, shortly after rising, I evacuate in my en suite not more than 8-10 feet from my sleeping wife.

Quite why anyone wouldn't is beyond me.

Because we are not animals who love to wallow in each other's stenches, smell their buttholes, eat their vomit and so forth.

[Alberto Balsam Rodriguez]

There are two urinals, two stalls and two sink basins. The first stall is occupied, the second is free but you think you notice a slight movement in the door. You glance towards the sinks to see one man standing there washing his hands. As you glance over, he catches your eye and gives you a slightly guilty look.

At this point the scent of human faeces wafts gently past your nose and the washroom door closes firmly behind you.

What do you do next?

**** in the sink :shrug:

[Pokster]

You lot are too uptight for words. I'm nothing if not regular and each Mon-Fri at 6am, shortly after rising, I evacuate in my en suite not more than 8-10 feet from my sleeping wife.

Quite why anyone wouldn't is beyond me.

Tell us your address and we can all come round and **** near your wife

[Sir C]

Tell us your address and we can all come round and **** near your wife

Kinky. Really kinky.

[Pokster]

Kinky. Really kinky.

Don't tell me you weren't thinking it... you dirty old goat

[redgunamo]

Kinky. Really kinky.

I'm beginning to like this new, improved AWIMB.

[Sir C]

Don't tell me you weren't thinking it... you dirty old goat

I have never enjoyed sexual fantasies involving defectating next to wes's missus, and I resent the implication. Such a fantasy would be a sick betrayal of the faeces-based frolics I enjoy with his mum.

[AFC East]

I have never enjoyed sexual fantasies involving defectating next to wes's missus, and I resent the implication. Such a fantasy would be a sick betrayal of the faeces-based frolics I enjoy with his mum.

Bit of a go'er is she? Oops wrong thread, wrong python.

[Darren's Dodgy Denim]

"Men's Room" is to be prefered to the colonial "Restroom".