Last night I dreamt that James Corden and I were swimming across the Thames from the South Bank to

[Berni]

St Paul's. He kept getting exhausted and panicking and I had to keep rescuing him, the great fat fool. Then we got across and I had to drag him onto the shore. He was utterly ungrateful.

All in all, he is my least favourite of all the celebrities I have encountered in my dreams. Keira Knightley is still the best.

[Sir Charlie of Nicholas]

[Berni]

I also mentioned a dream about Billy Bragg consulting me on whether he should jack the music in and become a web entrepreneur, I think.

But I've got no time for Corden. He f**king nearly drowned me, the lardy ****.

[Sir Charlie of Nicholas]

James Corden and Billy Bragg. You don't half keep some strange company in bed.

I keep dreaming about my parents. I'm pretty sure they're trying to tell me something, but I'm struggling to interpret the message.

Perhaps I should consult a medium?

[Berni]

f**k off in the nicest possible way.

[Sir Charlie of Nicholas]

It can't bode well.

[Classic Jorge]

[Sir Charlie of Nicholas]

I've put on a couple of pounds, actually. I shall nip it in the bud before it becomes a trend.

[Classic Jorge]

Done a quick hour this morning though.

Currently both feeling the burn and pushing the envelope, to the max.

[Sir Charlie of Nicholas]

Plenty of butter.

[Classic Jorge]

The chap who always called me "Sir!" and brought me my bacon sandwiches has been diagnosed with a brain tumor, poor *******.

I feel bad now. I didn't do a monty, I promise.

[Sir Charlie of Nicholas]

You can make his final days comfortable by referring to him as 'You there!' and demanding that he performs demeaning tasks for you.

[Berni]

[Classic Jorge]

I just want him to call me sir one last time :cry:

[Classic Jorge]

[Berni]

Depending on the type of tumour and exactly where it is, there's every chance he'll make a full recovery.

[Classic Jorge]

http://www.tasteofcinema.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/ralph-brown-withnail-and-i.jpg

[Steve Williams - gay for Mark Knopfler]

47, known him man and boy.

Now that was an odd funeral service.

[Berni]

[Steve Williams - gay for Mark Knopfler]

Been to too many funerals and carried enough coffins to last me a long time.

Last Wednesday was weird for such an event in a catholic church. Bit of Clannad, bit of Luke Kelly, Jerusalem.

The One Direction.

:-

Few comments outside as we milled around to speak with family members of the deceased.

[Berni]

There's really no excuse for Clannad, is there?

Jerusalem is a very odd one for an Irish Catholic funeral. Any idea what the story was there?

[Steve Williams - gay for Mark Knopfler]

No idea on Jerusalem tbh.

It's a very nice piece of music but had a few people scratching their heads as it is as far removed from what one may expect to hear in a Catholic Church as possible.

There was a poem read out in German also as his wife is from Bavaria and he was extremely fond of the area.

He went to college in Birmingham and then practised for a while in Windsor, so he had an affiliation with the mainland UK.

Not a very religious occasion to be fair, priest did a blessing but the rest was mainly music and speeches, eulogy etc.

Cremated next day then.

[Berni]

The music was all classical and a bit dull, but we did get a letter from David Cameron (they'd been friends at Oxford) and then everyone piled into the free drink that had been laid on by his chambers.