Classic Jorge
10-02-2014, 02:28 PM
Marijuana
According to the 2009 National Study on Drug Use and Health, marijuana has the highest usage rate of any illicit drug in the United States, which means you probably have all or some of these problems with your sperm.
The cannabinoid compounds in marijuana are actually synthesized by the human body, so our cells have natural receptors for them. If the cannabinoids latch onto cells in the testes or the sperm themselves, some unwanted side effects could occur and ruin your day. According to Dr. Yazigi:
"About 33 percent of chronic users will have low sperm counts. Binding of the active components and metabolites of marijuana to receptors on sperm themselves has also been shown to lead to decreasing motility rates. What is less clear are the effects of more occasional users—no good studies have been done but the prevailing thought is that while these men will have rapid recovery to their sperm function with briefer cessation in use, they should avoid use when trying to get pregnant as well."
Cocaine
Coke is, of course, the legendary "boner killer," in that it causes vasoconstriction (the narrowing of blood cells), which leads to erectile dysfunction. It's difficult to pinpoint what else it does, because any studies done on human beings are going to be complicated by the fact that cocaine just makes you want to party more. I asked Dr. Yazigi why we don't have more information on coke's effects, and he responded that human tests aren't pure "because most of the time there's coexistence of the use of cocaine along with alcohol and cigarettes and other drugs, so the single cocaine users are almost a rarity." Also, he reminded me that you can't force a group of people to do cocaine and then reproduce. You know, ethically.
Animal studies have been done that conclude that there are receptors for coke in the testicles and sperm. "There's abnormal anatomy of the testicular tissue. There's degeneration of a number of cells," Dr. Yazigi said. Dr. Nudell went a step further and said those animal trials revealed that there might be transmission of cocaine through the sperm to the female egg. "Effects of this phenomenon are not known but certainly could lead to early miscarriage."
Opiates
For clarity's sake, when discussing opiates, I mean heroin, oxycontin, vicodin, etc. Long term use of opiates can lead to issues with the reproductive system due to suppression of the hormone GnRH, which Dr. Nudell says, "is normally secreted by the hypothalamus (the organ that controls the pituitary gland.)" That means a decline in LH (luteinizing hormone) and FSH (follicle-stimulating hormone) secretion from the pituitary gland—a fancier way of saying the body doesn't produce the sperm it needs to make a baby. There's also evidence that opiate addiction can lead to fragmentation of DNA within sperm and can cause shoddy fertilization rates or miscarriage.
Methamphetamines
It almost goes without saying that if you are habitually using meth, reproducing should be low on your priority list. Fixing your teeth and paying your parents back all the money you stole from their retirement fund should take precedence. Also, stop wearing that goddamn beanie. It's not 2006 anymore, and you are not Jesse Pinkman. You are a real person and you smell like a bucket full of wet pennies. Still, if you must crank out a kiddie, you can expect "direct damage to the seminiferous tubules," which is the support system for the testis. Once again, that means lowered testosterone production. Plus, the sperm themselves can be harmed by vascular constriction and blood flow issues. Dr. X claimed that the "main problem of amphetamine and amphetamine derivatives is the risk of cardiovascular alterations (heart deformity) in offspring."
LSD
What about conceiving a child... on acid!? Probably not a great plan, but no one really knows for sure. Dr. Nudell told me that "most studies of LSD do not show an effect on sperm. Many studies have been done to look for DNA changes in both non-sperm and sperm cells but have been inconclusive." Dr. X included mushrooms and ketamine in his statement on LSD's relative lack of effect on reproduction. In other words: Carry on, Blue Boy, but be wary.
MDMA/Ecstasy
If you're lucky enough to get real MDMA and not some bunk **** from the guy behind the port-a-potty at Nocturnal Wonderland, you're still going to have some issues with your semen. There's not a ton of conclusive research done on MDMA, but Dr. Yazigi told me that it can screw up the production of testosterone, just like pretty much everything on this list. He said, "There may be sperm DNA damage, degeneration of the tissue within the testicles. Sperm motivity (the ability for the sperm to swim effectively toward the egg) is preserved, but the sperm count may be decreased." That's similar to cocaine, except, as he stated, "motivity is also decreased. Here it's just the sperm numbers, the production of sperm in essence."
That means the sperm still move around normally, but there just aren't as many, which wrecks your chances of actually impregnating someone. As with meth, MDMA can lead to heart abnormalities in children.
According to the 2009 National Study on Drug Use and Health, marijuana has the highest usage rate of any illicit drug in the United States, which means you probably have all or some of these problems with your sperm.
The cannabinoid compounds in marijuana are actually synthesized by the human body, so our cells have natural receptors for them. If the cannabinoids latch onto cells in the testes or the sperm themselves, some unwanted side effects could occur and ruin your day. According to Dr. Yazigi:
"About 33 percent of chronic users will have low sperm counts. Binding of the active components and metabolites of marijuana to receptors on sperm themselves has also been shown to lead to decreasing motility rates. What is less clear are the effects of more occasional users—no good studies have been done but the prevailing thought is that while these men will have rapid recovery to their sperm function with briefer cessation in use, they should avoid use when trying to get pregnant as well."
Cocaine
Coke is, of course, the legendary "boner killer," in that it causes vasoconstriction (the narrowing of blood cells), which leads to erectile dysfunction. It's difficult to pinpoint what else it does, because any studies done on human beings are going to be complicated by the fact that cocaine just makes you want to party more. I asked Dr. Yazigi why we don't have more information on coke's effects, and he responded that human tests aren't pure "because most of the time there's coexistence of the use of cocaine along with alcohol and cigarettes and other drugs, so the single cocaine users are almost a rarity." Also, he reminded me that you can't force a group of people to do cocaine and then reproduce. You know, ethically.
Animal studies have been done that conclude that there are receptors for coke in the testicles and sperm. "There's abnormal anatomy of the testicular tissue. There's degeneration of a number of cells," Dr. Yazigi said. Dr. Nudell went a step further and said those animal trials revealed that there might be transmission of cocaine through the sperm to the female egg. "Effects of this phenomenon are not known but certainly could lead to early miscarriage."
Opiates
For clarity's sake, when discussing opiates, I mean heroin, oxycontin, vicodin, etc. Long term use of opiates can lead to issues with the reproductive system due to suppression of the hormone GnRH, which Dr. Nudell says, "is normally secreted by the hypothalamus (the organ that controls the pituitary gland.)" That means a decline in LH (luteinizing hormone) and FSH (follicle-stimulating hormone) secretion from the pituitary gland—a fancier way of saying the body doesn't produce the sperm it needs to make a baby. There's also evidence that opiate addiction can lead to fragmentation of DNA within sperm and can cause shoddy fertilization rates or miscarriage.
Methamphetamines
It almost goes without saying that if you are habitually using meth, reproducing should be low on your priority list. Fixing your teeth and paying your parents back all the money you stole from their retirement fund should take precedence. Also, stop wearing that goddamn beanie. It's not 2006 anymore, and you are not Jesse Pinkman. You are a real person and you smell like a bucket full of wet pennies. Still, if you must crank out a kiddie, you can expect "direct damage to the seminiferous tubules," which is the support system for the testis. Once again, that means lowered testosterone production. Plus, the sperm themselves can be harmed by vascular constriction and blood flow issues. Dr. X claimed that the "main problem of amphetamine and amphetamine derivatives is the risk of cardiovascular alterations (heart deformity) in offspring."
LSD
What about conceiving a child... on acid!? Probably not a great plan, but no one really knows for sure. Dr. Nudell told me that "most studies of LSD do not show an effect on sperm. Many studies have been done to look for DNA changes in both non-sperm and sperm cells but have been inconclusive." Dr. X included mushrooms and ketamine in his statement on LSD's relative lack of effect on reproduction. In other words: Carry on, Blue Boy, but be wary.
MDMA/Ecstasy
If you're lucky enough to get real MDMA and not some bunk **** from the guy behind the port-a-potty at Nocturnal Wonderland, you're still going to have some issues with your semen. There's not a ton of conclusive research done on MDMA, but Dr. Yazigi told me that it can screw up the production of testosterone, just like pretty much everything on this list. He said, "There may be sperm DNA damage, degeneration of the tissue within the testicles. Sperm motivity (the ability for the sperm to swim effectively toward the egg) is preserved, but the sperm count may be decreased." That's similar to cocaine, except, as he stated, "motivity is also decreased. Here it's just the sperm numbers, the production of sperm in essence."
That means the sperm still move around normally, but there just aren't as many, which wrecks your chances of actually impregnating someone. As with meth, MDMA can lead to heart abnormalities in children.