I’m currently reading a book about how not to kill newborn babies and stuff, and it’s all very

[Monty91]

informative and written in an entirely non-preachy way.

But then I reached a section about nasal congestion and suddenly I’m being told that if other methods fail I must SUCK the snot out of my baby’s nose and spit out!!!!!!

Now, I’m definitely up for being a hands-on dad, but I’m afraid my commitment to my child will not extend that far.

Fúck. That. ****. Imo.

[Berni]

Besides, the mother will do that. Their instincts kick in in these circs and their squeamishness takes a backseat.

You also know you're supposed to trim their toe- and fingernails with your teeth, right?

[barrybueno]

[Monty91]

been? Ah yes, you had an orgasm..."

:-(

Biting the nails off doesn't gross me out, but I sure as fúck am not sucking off my own son

[PSRB]

thought it was hilarious

[redgunamo]

[Berni]

Besides, you can always try and claim credit for sticking around rather than giving it toes the moment the plus sign appeared.

[Steve Williams - gay for Mark Knopfler]

Their only purpose is to make you think you are failing.

[barrybueno]

[Monty91]

the practicalities involved in having a newborn.

It's all good, practical, essential information delivered on a non-prosyletising, non-judgemental way.

[Classic Jorge]

[Monty91]

giving a fúck when their friends and colleagues have babies. They already know, for example, that you're supposed to sleep them on their backs to reduce risk of cot death.

If I went in blind, I would kill my baby within about 10 minutes of being left alone with him.

[Steve Williams - gay for Mark Knopfler]

A bad one perhaps, but good, no.

These books will fill your head, and more importantly your missus' head, with milestones and nonsense e.g. by week 16 your child should be sitting up and doing x/y/z etc.

By week 16 your child won't, and being new to the game you'll freak out and because of the overwhelming tiredness you will freak out even more.

You will then realise the books are nothing but troublesome *******s.

When you then proceed to your second child if this child is not sitting up and doing x/y/z by week 16 you will simply get another beer from the fridge and assert your natural god given right to the remote control.

Trust me here big nose, lose the books.

[Monty91]

that all babies are different and there are no hard and fast rules about when they'll start hitting all these various milestones.

You've read too many **** books, imo

http://www.mirrorcollection.co.uk/uploads/images/product/main/1359465565.jpg

[Billy Goat Sverige]

[redgunamo]

[Steve Williams - gay for Mark Knopfler]

The pictures were good though.

Well collated.

[Berni]

As I recall, it's all about supporting their heads, which will otherwise flop about in a rather disconcerting manner. Beyond that, it all takes care of itself.

Oh, and don't shake them. That's bad, apparently.

[Monty91]

that if they were sick in the night they would not choke.

Lots of grandparents on babysitting duties need to be told that the advice has changed.

[Berni]

certain that was the cause.

[Monty91]

[Steve Williams - gay for Mark Knopfler]

[Monty91]

[Monty91]

[Berni]

For instance, is it wrong to brush your new-born's hair in a certain way and cut a bit off to create a toothbrush moustache and then take a picture of it looking like Hitler? Probably, yes. But we've all done it.

[Curly]

Keep them dry and don't throw agin the wall.

[Billy Goat Sverige]

and then put him on your foot lift and him towards you.

[Berni]

[Monty91]

Jewish friends and relatives. Making him look like Hitler could be considered taking things one step too far...

[Steve Williams - gay for Mark Knopfler]

I am worried that M may not stick a cable up his/her arse and plug it into the mains for 12-24 hours.

[Berni]

[Curly]

You lose them when they get to 11 anyway

[PSRB]

they tend to leap onto it not realising the support structure is a chair and nearly blind themselves

[Monty91]

[PSRB]

[Brentwood]

when you have proved to them that you can feed, change and keep the baby alive, they let you free into the outside world.

they even give you baby clothes with "This way up" printed on the front :hehe:

Great system though, i must say

[Brentwood]