Personal advice needed. As I may have mentioned, my girlfriend’s mum is a proper nutjob who has

[Monty91]

episodic bouts of manic depression and extreme paranoia caused by deep-rooted psychosis, possibly brought on by her own traumatic childhood (at the hands of a horrible, authoritarian father)

For many, many years now she has often used her daughter (my girlfriend) as an outlet for this psychosis and has said many incredibly cruel things that has left my girlfriend a wreck (despite the fact that my girlfriend has only ever been incredibly supportive – both emotionally and financially – to her mother, with absolutely nothing in return apart from abuse).

Up until now I’ve let each episode run its course, even though I’ve regularly seen my girlfriend in floods of tears (she has no siblings to help deal with this situation).

Now, however, she is pregnant with my child (I hope my child anyway).

Her relationship with her mum had actually improved over the past year to the point that we all celebrated our ‘happy news’ together a few weekends ago. Then last night, I find my girlfriend on the bedroom floor in absolute pieces, after a new episode resulting in her mum bawling her out on the phone and accusing her of a whole new range of fictionalised crimes.

So, what do to? I can’t let me girlfriend get in that kind of state when she’s pregnant. Do I insist she cuts off all contact with her mum? Do I contact other extended family members to intervene? Do I contact the (severally mentally ill) mother myself?

f**k do I do? :shrug:

[Billy Goat Sverige]

That's what you'll be told whatever you do.

[Maravilloso Marvo]

I mean you are only hearing one side of the story from your girlfriend who is perfectly positioned to brainwash you.

[Pat Vegas]

Families drag you down. Hold you back. They'd only be a plane ride away.

Don't let anybody else interfere.

[Maravilloso Marvo]

then trap her indoors with a newborn baby. I am sure she'll be happy and fulfilled.

[Berni]

...it must feel nice to look at your family and think of them as stable and relatively normal?

[Pat Vegas]

anymore is a headache.

[Monty91]

and quite simply bear absolutely no resememblance to anything I can ever imagine my girlfriend doing or saying.

I can certainly imagine that as a daughter her precociousness may have got her mum's back up, but not to the extent of turning her into a woman who requires regular doses of anti-psychotic drugs.

[redgunamo]

You say she has no siblings? That might explain it.

Your pregnancy is going to be a little bit roller-coaster anyway because you don't seem to have anyone around with much experience to share. Why do think Wenger likes having the Thierrys and Roberts about the place just now.

[Sir Charlie of Nicholas]

Thuggery, buggery, rape and incest?

[Monty91]

than my own. I now realise they are far, far too dull to be dysfunctional.

[PSRB]

with the most innocuous comment likely to cause a complete meltdown

[Maravilloso Marvo]

[Pat Vegas]

but actually he did in fact touch her up a bit :hide:

[Chief Arrowhead]

My M-I-L laid guilt trips galore on my wife until finally she had had enough and decided that she wasn't going to take it anymore. They didn't speak for three years, until eventually the MIL came back with somewhat of an apology.

The only thing you can do is to suggest to her that she might want to talk to a professional about this so that she can acquire the tools necessary to cope with this.

DO NOT GET DRAGGED IN. I made that mistake one time, sticking up for my wife, and the MIL proceeded to try to slap and punch me. Rather comical, really.

This is a destructive dynamic that will continue unabated in some form or another until the MIL dies. Oddly enough this is perceived as normal communications by your 'significant other' as she knows no other relationship with her mum. Do not be surprised if your SO does not want to try to change the dynamic.

This is why God invented pubs. Get a dog so that during these moments you can walk him to the pub.

[Sir Charlie of Nicholas]

You'll have hundreds of acquaintances and, if you're lucky, maybe 2 people you can really call a friend.

"Friends" in general are hangers-on, pains in the arse, and ponces.

Fúck them.

[Maravilloso Marvo]

[Sir Charlie of Nicholas]

:thumbup:

[Rich]

was drunk in year 10.

Strange, it was. She was quite hot and I'm sure she could have found a human to f**k her had she tried.

[redgunamo]

[Monty91]

should go to the pub?

[Chief Arrowhead]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vxni-FM-UVA


We like to be with some because they're funny.

Others come around when they need some money.

[redgunamo]

[Berni]

experience of mental illness a while to grasp the fact that there are genuinely mental people out there who look like everyone else. You can't persuade them or rationalise with them, you can merely manage them and limit the damage they do.

[Pat Vegas]

That's how you became Daddy Monty.

[Chief Arrowhead]

I say that with no malice, but you have to also recognize what your role is in this situation and decide if you are going to continue to participate.

Any derogatory words you say in the heat of the moment about your MIL may come back to haunt you later.

[Harry Balls]

episodic bouts of manic depression and extreme paranoia caused by deep-rooted psychosis, possibly brought on by her own traumatic childhood (at the hands of a horrible, authoritarian father)

- This is not her fault, although you need to satisfy yourselves she is getting the appropriate help and medication or, if not, ask her if she wants to continue to receive your love and support that she does so immediately.

For many, many years now she has often used her daughter (my girlfriend) as an outlet for this psychosis and has said many incredibly cruel things that has left my girlfriend a wreck (despite the fact that my girlfriend has only ever been incredibly supportive – both emotionally and financially – to her mother, with absolutely nothing in return apart from abuse).

- There is no excuse for this, and neither of you should tolerate it. As the mum-to-be of your kids, you're involved so make sure your communications in this regard are sympathetic but firm. Nowt easier than crapping on your own, as they'll put up with it. But, it has to stop. It's an unhealthy cycle and shouldn't be tolerated. Your partner is wired to accept it, you'll need to get her to agree, but she may need you to help make the message. Stronger if it comes from her, but the mother may manipulate or ignore her requests.

Up until now I’ve let each episode run its course, even though I’ve regularly seen my girlfriend in floods of tears (she has no siblings to help deal with this situation).

- Set up a time to discuss it. Take her out somewhere for a drink or a meal and talk it through. Don;t do it at home, you need to keep this **** out of your home. Ask her about what she wants, and offer to help her as her mum is a force from the compounded grief over the years. Be pragmatic, make sure she knows you are not judging the mother, she has problems and needs help, but things need to change.

Now, however, she is pregnant with my child (I hope my child anyway).

- Don't be a c**t, it's yours. This is critical, as the unborn child will be affected for all of its life based on the relationships in the family. If your partner is continually undermined and shat on by her mum, this will affect your child. Not only in the development of their character, but also in the way they bond with your partner. These family generations of **** can be stopped, there's no need for it to impact another generation. We're all affected by the impact WWII on some of our grandparents, who pushed a lot of **** onto their kids, who in turn became less than ideal parents to us. It has to stop here.

So, what do to? I can’t let me girlfriend get in that kind of state when she’s pregnant. Do I insist she cuts off all contact with her mum? Do I contact other extended family members to intervene? Do I contact the (severally mentally ill) mother myself?

- No. You can't ever play that card, as it's not yours to play. You need to be pragmatic with the wife and hold back on your judgement and opinion. But, you do need to be firm with the situation, else it'll quickly move into your lives. You need to encourage your wife to explore some therapy also. She doesn't need it like the mum does, but she needs to understand she's not responsible for her mum, that she doesn't deserve the treatement, that she needs to stand up for herself and find balance between caring about her mum and being an emotional punchbag.

[Billy Goat Sverige]

A mole hill and very attention seekerish.

[redgunamo]

That may not be possible in this case though, if as you say, she has no-one else to turn to.

[redgunamo]

A bit late to start changing her now, I'd say.

[redgunamo]

[The Tony]

[PSRB]

by jealous little bitches.

[Monty91]

the point to my girfriend that her mum suffers from a neurological chemical imbalance and as such her behaviour cannot be rationalised.

However, of course, when you are dealing with the highly emotionally loaded dynamic of a mother/daughter relationsip then to ask my girlfriend not to take it to heart when her mother says the cruelest things imaginable is easier said than done.

The mum can be managed, to an extent, unless she becomes suicidal. But I don't know how my girlfriend can insulate herself against the corrosive emotional damage that each of these episodes has on here. And at a time when she's carrying my child, the need to confront this problem is of immediate concern.

[Monty91]

[Harry Balls]

[redgunamo]

[Chief Arrowhead]

[redgunamo]

[redgunamo]

[Berni]

attempting to try and get in the way of it.

[Monty91]

I'd say she's used to it, but with each year comes new hope that history won't repeat itself. But it always does.

[Chief Arrowhead]

[Pat Vegas]

[redgunamo]

the vet because they imagine the dog has behavioural problems as it will not stop retrieving things :homer:

[Harry Balls]

[redgunamo]

[PSRB]

[Monty91]

The problem with getting in the way of it is that these episodes almost always happen during phonecalls that I am not privvy to and which I hear about later. They never happen in person and Certainly not when I'm present.

This is because as well as being mentally ill, the mother is a very accomplished actress, and can put on a great show of normality for outsiders. This also has the effect of making my girlfriend feel like she herself is going mad, because she has no-one else to verify her mum's mentalness.

[Snin]

she is with you..therefore :judge: guilty of being a mentalist

[Berni]

She must know better than anyone that her mum is unstable, so she needs to try and manage her contact better. The worry, of course, is that they're stuck in a mutually destructive cycle of manipulation and abuse that's been going on for three decades.

glwtpimo :-(

[Ashberto]

That should clear the air.

[Chief Arrowhead]

[PSRB]

mentalists, the lot of them

[Berni]

[Monty91]

[redgunamo]

[Berni]

Breeding will out. Unfortunately. :-(

[redgunamo]

if you want a hunting dog, don't get your puppy from a shepherd.

In fact, he did tell us that.

[Monty91]

[Ashberto]

Ok. This is what I really think. The mother needs to be defenestrated, so recommend to the GF that she avoid taking calls from the mother. Speak to her other family members about it. You might even consider contacting social services to get the mad bitch locked up or something to protect the unborn child. (Her mum, that is).

My GF had a pain-in-the-arse brother with a evil-bitch-from-hell wife who were causing problems. She just blanked him and disowned him for ever. Job done.

[redgunamo]

suggests that you think she is normal too, in fact.

At least by your own standards.

[redgunamo]

family will be an issue, as it were, like it or not.

[Bergkamp's Brain]

and it will come back to bite you in the arse.

It is her responsibility to work out her relationship with her mother. You need to be there to encourage and support her decision.

The only time you can ever get involved, is if/when her mother directs any of her abuse toward or at your child. Then it becomes your issue.

[Hendon Gooner (Only Easy Day Was Yesterday))]

Your life is well and truly fcuked!

Never get involved with a Doris that has a loony tune of a Mum!

:old: