Now that, gentlemen, is how you take an historic penalty .. you step toward

[eastgermanautos]

the ball with a calm and steely demeanour that shows you are not afraid of the task even though some half a billion people worldwide are about to witness your endeavour.

You exchange some direct eye contact with the keeper so as to inform him you will shortly be leathering the pig bag past him into the net and there ain't much he can do about it.



You briefly consider the cock between your legs - for you actually have one - and savour the prospect of how your lady love will this very evening be making an exquisite fuss of it - and you take the last few steps forward before belting the fackin' thing with such velocity and precision that even the lordly Gianluigi Buffon (fumbling old ****) has no chance.

That! Mr Aba-bamma-boom-bang is how you do it.

Oh shut it you clod.

[Ash]

Oh shut it you clod.

You are the new, alternate-universe Gunner Since Time Began. The 4pm folly.

No offence, like.