I don't feel I ask for much in life, but it would be *quite* nice if Spurs stopped

[Monty92]

I have a confession to make with regard to dogging: I don't know what it means.

I understand that there is a sexytime element, and a car park element. Beyond that, I've never ascertained the details.

It's pretty simple. You drive to wooded areas and **** strangers. You can do it in the car if it's a bit chilly, but if the weather permits you tend to do it up against trees or on the bonnet.

Would you like to attend with me one day? No pressure - you can stay in the car and masturbate if you don't feel comfortable.

[Sir C]

It's pretty simple. You drive to wooded areas and **** strangers. You can do it in the car if it's a bit chilly, but if the weather permits you tend to do it up against trees or on the bonnet.

Would you like to attend with me one day? No pressure - you can stay in the car and masturbate if you don't feel comfortable.

It sounds rather splendid. I'd be delighted to come along and offer moral support; as you know, my days of engaging in such activities are well behind me now.

Except when I'm shovelling it up your mum, naturally.

[Sir C]

Basically, random strangers turn up in a car park, flash their lights at one another and either have sex with some rough old sort in the backseat of a mid-range 4x4 or wânk while watching someone else do so.

So a vehicle flashes you. You leave your car and wander over. Behind the wheel is a bearded man called Kelvin. Sounds... awkward.

[Burney]

So a vehicle flashes you. You leave your car and wander over. Behind the wheel is a bearded man called Kelvin. Sounds... awkward.

Hopefully, Kelvin will have brought his cùnt-ugly wife for you to have a go on. However, one imagines that a lot of the time these gatherings just involve a lot of men standing around desperately hoping someone brings along a woman.

[Burney]

It sounds rather splendid. I'd be delighted to come along and offer moral support; as you know, my days of engaging in such activities are well behind me now.

Except when I'm shovelling it up your mum, naturally.

There's nothing natural about the way you shovel it up Monty's mum.

[Sir C]

Hopefully, Kelvin will have brought his cùnt-ugly wife for you to have a go on. However, one imagines that a lot of the time these gatherings just involve a lot of men standing around desperately hoping someone brings along a woman.

I don't want to bone Kelvin's wife while Kelvin's there. That would be embarrassing.

[Burney]

I don't want to bone Kelvin's wife while Kelvin's there. That would be embarrassing.

Well nor would I. But we must assume that Kelvin and his glw are bang up for that sort of thing and - given your presence at this event - so are you.

I think Kelvin's presence would be the least of your worries, tbh. Looking up from the act and seeing Kelvin and chums knocking one out to your performance would at the very least put a chap off his stroke, you'd have thought.

[Sir C]

Well nor would I. But we must assume that Kelvin and his glw are bang up for that sort of thing and - given your presence at this event - so are you.

I think Kelvin's presence would be the least of your worries, tbh. Looking up from the act and seeing Kelvin and chums knocking one out to your performance would at the very least put a chap off his stroke, you'd have thought.

Imagine scanning the faces of the assembled onanists, only to double take and extend the hand of greeting. "Monty! My dear old chap, how delightful to see you! What brings you here?"

[Burney]

Imagine scanning the faces of the assembled onanists, only to double take and extend the hand of greeting. "Monty! My dear old chap, how delightful to see you! What brings you here?"

I think it's afterwards that would be difficult. After all, in the heat of the moment these things are all very well, but in the clammy, reasty aftermath as one extracts oneself from this women and she reaches for the wet wipes, what does one do? Simply button up one's fly, nod at the assembled throng while studiously avoiding eye contact and scuttle back to one's vehicle?

[Sir C]

I think it's afterwards that would be difficult. After all, in the heat of the moment these things are all very well, but in the clammy, reasty aftermath as one extracts oneself from this women and she reaches for the wet wipes, what does one do? Simply button up one's fly, nod at the assembled throng while studiously avoiding eye contact and scuttle back to one's vehicle?

Perhaps one should behave in the approived manner for stepping back from the urinal: a postern blast and a rousing cry of 'Better out than in!'