it suggests that the NHS, in approximately 8 weeks or so, would like me to give myself an enema, then proceed to a local hospital where I will be asked to assume the position before some NHS person sticks a tube up my backside, fills my innards with some form of gas and then inserts some form of camera thingy to take a look at my bowels. And after which I will probably scurry to a loo and explode something or other into the loo.

And why do they want me to do this? Because I have a family history of bowel cancer? Nope. Because I have a lifestyle that in some way suggests that I might be at higher risk of bowel cancer? Nope. Because I have symptoms associated with bowel cancer? Nope. None of that. Simply because I have turned a certain age.

F*ck that sideways. I ain't doing it.