In a bad-tempered game, Russia wins in extra time thanks to a German linesman because history.

The English press immediately launch a massive campaign complaining about Russian doping, ref bribery and general corruption. Harry Kane changes his name by deed poll to 'Harry Kane, World Cup Winner' anyway.

Diplomatic incidents, heightened tensions, spy expulsions and poisonings all round until, finally, war ensues and we are all spared the horror of a new, Arsene-less football season by the blissful embrace of nuclear Armageddon.