So how will you treat your valentine tonight?

[Pat Vegas]

On balance, I think I was less nauseated by Monty scraping shït out of his daughter's vagina.

Monty has been using that trick for years.

[World's End Stella]

He is a big lad and hardly what one would describe as co-ordinated, so one imagines she must be a powerful lady to cope.

One is reminded of the Reginald D Hunter line, "I was at a party and I saw this girl I liked, she had a big ass and titties, you know. Looked like she could take a pounding."

Bloody cheek. One look at you, Charles, and a chap can see that you are hopeless at sport. It oozes out of you.

WES, on the other hand, is a sporting god. Football, basketball, hockey, golf - pretty much any sport you can name I would excel at.

Pick a sport and even if I have never played it in my life, I shall give you a good thrashing at it. The gauntlet has been thrown down, harrumph.

[Herbette Chapman - aged 15]

What passes between me and Mrs C is known only to us and to the stars. Our love is a sanctification of all existence, not a matter for your titillation.

She'll be shagging Berni the

[Pokster]

Bloody cheek. One look at you, Charles, and a chap can see that you are hopeless at sport. It oozes out of you.

WES, on the other hand, is a sporting god. Football, basketball, hockey, golf - pretty much any sport you can name I would excel at.

Pick a sport and even if I have never played it in my life, I shall give you a good thrashing at it. The gauntlet has been thrown down, harrumph.

You are a North Korean dictator and I claim my £5... and I'd thrash you at golf

[Alberto Balsam Rodriguez]

Mrs WES will not get a card or flowers.

Mrs WES will get a best end of lamb with roasting juices, sautéed potatoes, asparagus, Laurent Perrier rose champagne, Charbonnet and Walker truffles and my massive cock.

Lucky Mrs WES.

Same as any other night.

I do not see why one has to pull out the stops one day a year to make up for being a **** the other 364 days