Masturbating with Mayonnaise in Bathroom
Local Authorities were called to the East Lampeter Walmart last evening responding to a call that a man was performing sexual acts on himself with jars of mayonnaise in the men’s bathroom. A bystander witnessed it and ran to customer service where Walmart Employees called police. The witness said he could hear moaning in the stall next to him and all of a sudden an open jar of mayonnaise rolled over into his stall.OT520758S
“This isn’t the firs time we got this call, but customers were able to restrain him from escaping this time. We suspect this man has been violating jars of mayonnaise for about 6 months.” Said Deputy Sergent Mike Grays of the East Lampeter Police.
Police have not yet released the name of the suspect, but they have said that he’s a repeat sexual offender. He has been charged with 3 counts of public lewdness and 2 counts of felony sexual deviancy. Bail will be announced after his scheduled hearing.
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Lets face it, the last thing you want is some sort of deviant ripple messing with your mayonaise.
I can only assume the alarm was sounded when he accidentally got busy with some horseradish.
cannot be 'violated'?
Especially the american wons who pronounce vehicle "vee-heee-hickle"
I mean, imagine dumping a load of mayonnaise on your chips and digging in, only to find yourself chewing on a mouthful of jizz. I'd say you're going to consider that mayonnaise to have been violated.
have been adulterated.
They do love going about how great bacon is, t-shirts, memes and the like.
They would like it even more if they had proper bacon.
*classic Pat topic change.
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