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I yearn to be at one with nature and, to this end, have decided to take up wild camping. There is a particular spot up by Angle Tarn at which I am determind to watch the sun set, frying sausages over a wood fire. But I overtake myself. In order to learn the secrets of camping I have purchased some equipment with which I will practise in teh garden: a tent, two sleeping bags and two bed rolls. The total cost of these items? £83.
That's value, that is.
Where will you poo?Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir C
In the lavatory. It's about 10 paces from my garden to the bathroom.Quote:
Originally Posted by Burney
What the fúck is wrong with you, you twisted bástard?
I mean when you're in the wild? Will you simply defecate in nature like an animal - or an Indian?Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir C
in a Pringles tube, then toss it to the roadside.Quote:
Originally Posted by Burney
Truck drivers, you gotta love 'em.
Well, for starters I would point out that discussing such matters is quite remarkably vulgar, and I would rather not.Quote:
Originally Posted by Burney
On the other hand, because I am not a filthy animal, I expect I will move my bowels before leaving the house and then simply demonstrate a little self-control until I return to civilisation.
Forget the sausages
You might have to eat fruit all week to avoid going out in the wild
Big soft handed Jesse like you wild camping? First rustle in the bushes in the dead of night and your bottom lip will tremble like a leaf in a gale and you'll be on your iPhone demanding the Police come and rescue you.
Well if you say so. But I’m sure you can appreciate the concern of a friend that a gentleman of your gravity and social status might be discovered squatting behind a bush, coiling down a monstrous turd prior to wiping your arse with a lump of moss. :-(Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir C
I have camped across half of east Africa, you silly man.Quote:
Originally Posted by Herbert Augustus Chapman
Campest person on hereQuote:
Originally Posted by Sir C
Happily, my excellent diet ensures that my waste products are of a manageable size and carry no displeasing aromas.Quote:
Originally Posted by Burney
I would contend that extruding large turds is a sign of coarse breeding.
East Africa? Piece 'o piss man! Come and talk to me when you've wild camped among lethal crocodiles in the Northern Territories as I have.*Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir C
*Possibly not a shred of truth in that.
I have always found the camping experience to be enhanced hugely by magic mushrooms.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir C
I doubt you will take my advice.
Are you suggesting there are no crocodiles in east Africa?Quote:
Originally Posted by Herbert Augustus Chapman
I have successfully erected the tent. It's yooge!Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir C
Word to the wise. When seeking quality camping equipment, don't go to Argos.
Mandatory 'Your first successful erection in a decade' witticism.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir C
:nod: Camper than a row of tentsQuote:
Originally Posted by Pokster
It smells of plastic. The tumescent tent. Hot plastic :-(Quote:
Originally Posted by Burney
The crocodiles of East Africa are notoriously effete c. One need only mention Australian salt water crocodiles to them and they become tearful and frightened. Glorified alligators!Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir C
Camping is shíte, there is no other honest summation and description of the experience / ordeal.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir C
Cold, damp and guaranteed to wake up at an ungodly early hour.
Your options are limited - to drink the bit out and just pass out overcoming the cold, but then you are dying in the morning and dying while lying down in a fúcking sleeping bag, which no man can style out – or to just not bother going to sleep in which case you have not camped, you have stayed out.
Scouts camp. Adult scouts are nonces, this is actually a fact. There is a reason for this correlation.
What did you think a cheap plascic tent would smell of, roses?Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir C
I suppose when one's home is a dank filthy hovel dug out of the earth, there is scant difference in camping.Quote:
Originally Posted by SWv2
Sir C "It smells of plastic. The tumescent tent. Hot plastic "
What have you got - a Wendy House ?
Glastonbury. Camping experiences.Quote:
Originally Posted by SWv2
A bucket load of beers and narcs was the only way to endure 7-10 days camping in Glastonbury.
DB10 help you if it was a sunny morning - you wake up at 6-7am after 2 hours sleep in an atmosphere not too dissimilar to a fúcking greenhouse.
If it rained it was miserable and muddy.
In short? Camping can **** right off imo
I'm worrying about carrying my wine up a fúcking mountain to reach my desired spot. Maybe I can hire a local. A sort of Cumbrian sherpa.Quote:
Originally Posted by SWv2
IUFG "DB10 help you if it was a sunny morning - you wake up at 6-7am after 2 hours sleep in an atmosphere not too dissimilar to a fúcking greenhouse."
Might be handy if c remember to pack his cannabis plants
You're not going to become a naturist, are you? I just fear that this 'back to nature' business could end up with you sporting your danglies in public and bellowing that 'It's perfectly natural!' as the coppers cart you away. :-(Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir C
Get a box of bagged Hardys, sc.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir C
It might be shíte but you'll drink anything after 30 mins of being in a fúcking tent
:nod: And you can use the empty, inflated bag as a pillow.Quote:
Originally Posted by IUFG
Perhaps he could carry your tent too. And while he's there he may as well erect it for you. And then he could whip his cock out and give your arse'ole a good stretching you big soft handed Jesse you are.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir C
I wonder if there is any way of moving your mind on from my genitals and faecal excretions?Quote:
Originally Posted by Burney
:-(
He will look like a naked version Charles Hawtrey in Carry On Camping
Woolly hat
Boots
Rucksack with pots and pans dangling
Just take it out of the box and carry the silver bag. Easy.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir C
Page 1 of how to survive a festival.
Seems a bit late to expect that sort of thing, I'd have thought. :shrug:Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir C
I am being mithered by the family to partake in the glorious outdoors, to which I have bought an inflatable tent. £200 paid for by the company's "Inspiration" fund. This year they have increased it to £250 and that'll pay for the restQuote:
Originally Posted by Sir C
Inflatable tent? What madness is this, p?Quote:
Originally Posted by PSRB
https://www.decathlon.co.uk/air-seco...SABEgIYpvD_BwEQuote:
Originally Posted by Sir C
This bad boy, takes approx 7 minutes to put up. You can be supping on Chateau Margaux whilst your friends are effing and jeffing trying put up their ridicules tents
7 mins isn't bad.Quote:
Originally Posted by PSRB
That's 1% off the entirety of the insufferable nature of the camping experience.
Enjoy :thumbup:
Oh I'm still trying to avoid going, might get away with one more summer. Just put it up in the garden and kids can have a sleep outQuote:
Originally Posted by IUFG