Countries with a proper pain in the arse visa policy.

India.

You have to go and queue up at India House with half the population of Southall, then you get to the front to find that they've closed because they only open 2 hours a day. Come the day you get lucky enough to be seen by the professional miserablist on the desk he takes all the money in the world off you and says 'Thank you' in a way which makes clear that what he means is 'f**k off'. One is almost tempted to ask the chap why one needs a visa. Do I look like I'm going to go underground and work in the black economy of Mumbai, thus depriving a local of a job?

It's a tourist tax. Why not just admit it and have credit card machines at immigration on arrival?



Vietnem.

Visa on arrival. You go into a small room and get barked up by a Stalinist for a bit, then wait for an hour or so while he sits picking his nails, occasionally glancing down at your Imperialistic Lickspittle travel document. Eventually even Uncle Ho's Revenge gets bored with the charade, trousers 5 of your finest Amerikan Pigdog dollars (he'll laugh in your face if you try to pay in good, honest People's Republic Dong) and stamps f**king hammers and sickles all over your passport, thus making you feel like some sort of Stalinist sympathiser.

we don't care who you are give us your money - it was only about 5 euros and they gave us change in rials so it saved changing it (not that I needed any money - I still had it to spend at the airport on the way home). Then with a British passport, I was basically waved through immigration control while my German colleague was quizzed for about 10 minutes

as I had trips to Jordan and Jerusalem which meant crossing the border umpteen times - they do like a stamp on your passport there

You can post it to them but then it may take up to a month to get back. Only Brightside is it is 5 minutes from Highbury and you can do it before a match

Like queuing at deli counter with a ticket, or the final scene in Beetlejuice.