I have an old friend whose wife

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08-08-2018, 02:03 PM
Sir C

I have an old friend whose wife

is dying of the cance. In fact, she has been sent home with a hospital bed and a load of morphine to await the inevitable. They are both posting their thoughts daily on facebook, she, I guess, only in her most lucid moments.

Oddly, he is asking today for a show of hands for the funeral so he can start planning the food.

I mean. Fúck me. She's reading this shít.
08-08-2018, 02:06 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sir C

is dying of the cance. In fact, she has been sent home with a hospital bed and a load of morphine to await the inevitable. They are both posting their thoughts daily on facebook, she, I guess, only in her most lucid moments.

Oddly, he is asking today for a show of hands for the funeral so he can start planning the food.

I mean. Fúck me. She's reading this shít.

Sorry to hear that, but you should definitely make sure they have lots of little sausages. I love little sausages. :eat:
08-08-2018, 02:07 PM
Pokster

Quote:

Originally Posted by Burney

Sorry to hear that, but you should definitely make sure they have lots of little sausages. I love little sausages. :eat:

With a nice dip as well..it's what she would have wanted.
08-08-2018, 02:09 PM
Sir C

Quote:

Originally Posted by Burney

Sorry to hear that, but you should definitely make sure they have lots of little sausages. I love little sausages. :eat:

The best part about funerals is the buffet. Deep fried snacks? Yes, I very much think so. I mean, the cocktail sausages rock, obviously, but there should also be chicken wings, cheap samosas, little spring rolls and mini scotch eggs. Basically, an Iceland party platter.
08-08-2018, 02:09 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pokster

With a nice dip as well..it's what she would have wanted.

:nod: And pork pies. And scotch eggs. Ooh, and those little mini Yorkshire puddings with a bit of beef and horseradish on.

I love a buffet, me.
08-08-2018, 02:11 PM
Sir C

Quote:

Originally Posted by Burney

:nod: And pork pies. And scotch eggs. Ooh, and those little mini Yorkshire puddings with a bit of beef and horseradish on.

I love a buffet, me.

My word, I am reminded of the time I was discovered by the glw, naked on a hotel bed, drinking scotch whisky from a toothmug and eating Co-Op cocktail sausages whilst watchign Gareth Malone coach a choir of disableds, weeping uncontrollably.

Possibly my finest hour.
08-08-2018, 02:13 PM
Viva Prat Vegas

Ask him to clearly label the sandwiches which contain egg
I do so hate playing egg roulette with any buffet when it comes to the sandwiches on offer :-(
08-08-2018, 02:13 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sir C

The best part about funerals is the buffet. Deep fried snacks? Yes, I very much think so. I mean, the cocktail sausages rock, obviously, but there should also be chicken wings, cheap samosas, little spring rolls and mini scotch eggs. Basically, an Iceland party platter.

:nod: See below. Although you always feel a bit bad about really piling your plate up at a funeral imo. It looks bad.

I have a press colleague whose buffet technique is so good that he's able to manage three proper platefuls, two drinks AND a dessert after a press conference and still be out the door within half an hour. It's like watching an artist at work.

I think the thing that would bother me in this lady's situation is seeing a party planned that I wasn't going to be able to attend.
08-08-2018, 02:14 PM
Herbert Augustus Chapman

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sir C

My word, I am reminded of the time I was discovered by the glw, naked on a hotel bed, drinking scotch whisky from a toothmug and eating Co-Op cocktail sausages whilst watchign Gareth Malone coach a choir of disableds, weeping uncontrollably.

Possibly my finest hour.

And masturbating vigorously no doubt
08-08-2018, 02:15 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sir C

My word, I am reminded of the time I was discovered by the glw, naked on a hotel bed, drinking scotch whisky from a toothmug and eating Co-Op cocktail sausages whilst watchign Gareth Malone coach a choir of disableds, weeping uncontrollably.

Possibly my finest hour.

Was that Oxford?

Also, why was Gareth Malone weeping uncontrollably?
08-08-2018, 02:17 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by Viva Prat Vegas

Ask him to clearly label the sandwiches which contain egg
I do so hate playing egg roulette with any buffet when it comes to the sandwiches on offer :-(

I once attended a buffet where some vile pervert had cooked tempura vegetables. I bit into one and it was a slice of fvcking cucumber in batter. :-(

The person who did that had almost certainly been through some form of catering training and at no point had anyone told him you don't deep-fry cucumbers. Unbelievable.
08-08-2018, 02:17 PM
Viva Prat Vegas

Burney "Also, why was Gareth Malone weeping uncontrollably?"

Because Charlie was eating budget cocktail sausages
08-08-2018, 02:19 PM
Viva Prat Vegas

Burney "The person who did that had almost certainly been through some form of catering training and at no point had anyone told him you don't deep-fry cucumbers. Unbelievable."

Sounds like the dim bugger can't tell the difference between a cucumber and a courgette
08-08-2018, 02:19 PM
Herbert Augustus Chapman

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sir C

is dying of the cance. In fact, she has been sent home with a hospital bed and a load of morphine to await the inevitable. They are both posting their thoughts daily on facebook, she, I guess, only in her most lucid moments.

Oddly, he is asking today for a show of hands for the funeral so he can start planning the food.

I mean. Fúck me. She's reading this shít.

Make sure you grab any unused morphine. 'Tis lovely stuff. When my mum went through the same she had a farkin great barrel of the stuff she'd only had a sip from when she passed. I asked the nurse what to do with the poppy juice and she said "legally, it's yours - do what you want with it. Any pharmacy will dispose of it for you but it's up to you."
08-08-2018, 02:19 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by Viva Prat Vegas

Burney "Also, why was Gareth Malone weeping uncontrollably?"

Because Charlie was eating budget cocktail sausages

Sir C has told me that story before and it's always made me feel slightly uncomfortable about the juxtaposition of his penís and a packet of cocktail sausages.

I don't think I could eat sausages while being able to see my penís. Or anyone else's for that matter.
08-08-2018, 02:21 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by Herbert Augustus Chapman

Make sure you grab any unused morphine. 'Tis lovely stuff. When my mum went through the same she had a farkin great barrel of the stuff she'd only had a sip from when she passed. I asked the nurse what to do with the poppy juice and she said "legally, it's yours - do what you want with it. Any pharmacy will dispose of it for you but it's up to you."

On Panorama the other day, I found out you can legally buy all sorts of prescription drugs through the post. I was a bit outraged that I'd never heard about this before.
08-08-2018, 02:22 PM
Viva Prat Vegas

Imagine bursting in on a a pi55ed Charlie laying on that bed, a pile of cocktail sausages on a plate sitting on his gut and him telling you to pile in
:-(
08-08-2018, 02:24 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by Viva Prat Vegas

Imagine bursting in on a a pi55ed Charlie laying on that bed, a pile of cocktail sausages on a plate sitting on his gut and him telling you to pile in
:-(

The extraordinary thing is that the person who did burst in on him saw that and STILL married him.

There's a tough woman for you.
08-08-2018, 02:27 PM
Sir C

Quote:

Originally Posted by Burney

Was that Oxford?

Also, why was Gareth Malone weeping uncontrollably?

I believe it was, yes.

It was I who wept. The disableds were so grateful, b, as they croaked their cacophony of crippled choiring :-(
08-08-2018, 02:30 PM
Herbert Augustus Chapman

Quote:

Originally Posted by Burney

On Panorama the other day, I found out you can legally buy all sorts of prescription drugs through the post. I was a bit outraged that I'd never heard about this before.

You can indeed but not controlled substances, that's the písser.
08-08-2018, 02:32 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sir C

I believe it was, yes.

It was I who wept. The disableds were so grateful, b, as they croaked their cacophony of crippled choiring :-(

Nice alliteration.

Now where exactly were the sausages? Were they on your lap? Could you see your genitals through the bottom of the container? :-(
08-08-2018, 02:37 PM
Sir C

Quote:

Originally Posted by Burney

Nice alliteration.

Now where exactly were the sausages? Were they on your lap? Could you see your genitals through the bottom of the container? :-(

The details escape me now; sucking away at a bottle of Bells tends to have that effect.

It was a family-sized box of sausages, though. There were hundreds of the búggers. I remember wishing I'd thought to get some mustard.

I often eat naked. Actually, during the recent hot spell I have spent the majority of my weekends naked, dressing only when required to leave the premises, which doesn't happen often.
08-08-2018, 02:39 PM
Sir C

Quote:

Originally Posted by Herbert Augustus Chapman

You can indeed but not controlled substances, that's the písser.

I first realised that Ian Harvey (bless his memory) was a loathsome creature when he declined to give me the methamphetamines he had been prescribed, choosing to bin them instead.

What kind of friend denies his comrades unwanted prescription drugs?
08-08-2018, 02:40 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sir C

The details escape me now; sucking away at a bottle of Bells tends to have that effect.

It was a family-sized box of sausages, though. There were hundreds of the búggers. I remember wishing I'd thought to get some mustard.

I often eat naked. Actually, during the recent hot spell I have spent the majority of my weekends naked, dressing only when required to leave the premises, which doesn't happen often.

Yes. The heat has reduced many of us to an unfortunate state of nature. I took to wandering around naked, as well. I would never eat naked, though. That's a step too far for me.

Also, Bells? Cheap cocktail sausages? Were you down to your last tenner?
08-08-2018, 02:43 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sir C

I first realised that Ian Harvey (bless his memory) was a loathsome creature when he declined to give me the methamphetamines he had been prescribed, choosing to bin them instead.

What kind of friend denies his comrades unwanted prescription drugs?

Why had Ian been prescribed speed, anyway? Which doctor would meet Ian and feel that what he needed was an artificially increased sense of self-importance?
08-08-2018, 02:43 PM
Viva Prat Vegas

With a box of cocktail sausages resting on a certain area, Sir C may well have pioneered the "Where's Wally?" trend
08-08-2018, 02:45 PM
Sir C

Quote:

Originally Posted by Burney

Yes. The heat has reduced many of us to an unfortunate state of nature. I took to wandering around naked, as well. I would never eat naked, though. That's a step too far for me.

Also, Bells? Cheap cocktail sausages? Were you down to your last tenner?

:sigh: We must have had this discussion a thousand times. I'll happily indulge in the finest of single malts if I'm looking for a sippin' whisky time, but when I need to get to where I need to me, hit me up with the Bells, the Grants, the Grouse, whatever. Shít, if I'm chugging that mess down, I'll happily swill Tesco Value scotch.
08-08-2018, 02:46 PM
Sir C

Quote:

Originally Posted by Burney

Why had Ian been prescribed speed, anyway? Which doctor would meet Ian and feel that what he needed was an artificially increased sense of self-importance?

I believe it was Ritalin for his ADHD. Because speed helps you concentrate? I don't get it.
08-08-2018, 02:51 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sir C

:sigh: We must have had this discussion a thousand times. I'll happily indulge in the finest of single malts if I'm looking for a sippin' whisky time, but when I need to get to where I need to me, hit me up with the Bells, the Grants, the Grouse, whatever. Shít, if I'm chugging that mess down, I'll happily swill Tesco Value scotch.

Oh, I wasn't complaining about the cooking whisky (if I'm honest, I prefer cooking whisky), it was Bell's in particular I was querying. I've always found it especially nasty. or do I mean Teacher's? The one with the gold cap?
08-08-2018, 02:52 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sir C

I believe it was Ritalin for his ADHD. Because speed helps you concentrate? I don't get it.

It never helped me concentrate on anything other than dancing, grinding my teeth and chewing my own face off, tbh.
08-08-2018, 02:54 PM
Sir C

Quote:

Originally Posted by Burney

Oh, I wasn't complaining about the cooking whisky (if I'm honest, I prefer cooking whisky), it was Bell's in particular I was querying. I've always found it especially nasty. or do I mean Teacher's? The one with the gold cap?

I think it might be Teacher's that's famously rank. I'd guzzle that shít like it's my mammy's milk.
08-08-2018, 03:00 PM
Burney

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sir C

I think it might be Teacher's that's famously rank. I'd guzzle that shít like it's my mammy's milk.

Yes. Now I think about it, you're right. On reflection, I have no strong feelings about Bells, but tend to prefer Grants and Famous Grouse.

What was the quality of the sausages like?
08-08-2018, 03:07 PM
Sir C

Quote:

Originally Posted by Burney

Yes. Now I think about it, you're right. On reflection, I have no strong feelings about Bells, but tend to prefer Grants and Famous Grouse.

What was the quality of the sausages like?

They were grim, to be fair. But I bought them from the Co-Op, so what did I expect from fúcking socialist sausages?
08-08-2018, 03:08 PM
Sir C

Quote:

Originally Posted by Viva Prat Vegas

With a box of cocktail sausages resting on a certain area, Sir C may well have pioneered the "Where's Wally?" trend

Are you suggesting my winkle could be mistaken for a Co-Op cocktail sausage?

Who's been talking? :-(
08-08-2018, 03:18 PM
eastgermanautos

Quote:

Originally Posted by Burney

I once attended a buffet where some vile pervert had cooked tempura vegetables. I bit into one and it was a slice of fvcking cucumber in batter. :-(

The person who did that had almost certainly been through some form of catering training and at no point had anyone told him you don't deep-fry cucumbers. Unbelievable.

:hehe: .
08-08-2018, 04:24 PM
Herbert Augustus Chapman

Quote:

Originally Posted by Burney

Why had Ian been prescribed speed, anyway? Which doctor would meet Ian and feel that what he needed was an artificially increased sense of self-importance?

I did actually see him once outside the old North Bank and he positively exuded pomposity to the degree that one could almost smell the sanctimony of the man.
08-08-2018, 05:07 PM
7sisters

Quote:

Originally Posted by Herbert Augustus Chapman

I did actually see him once outside the old North Bank and he positively exuded pomposity to the degree that one could almost smell the sanctimony of the man.

Was this before or after you managed to 'hose' his pocket in the stands ?
08-08-2018, 08:21 PM
barrybueno

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sir C

The best part about funerals is the buffet. Deep fried snacks? Yes, I very much think so. I mean, the cocktail sausages rock, obviously, but there should also be chicken wings, cheap samosas, little spring rolls and mini scotch eggs. Basically, an Iceland party platter.

The best part is bitches dressed in black, sooo horny imo
08-08-2018, 09:55 PM
Tony C

It really is shocking how the NHS send people back home to die.

One of the main reasons I’m keen on Brexit.

Spent close to 6 months with my parents in hospital (off and on) before the finally sent them back home and imo of it is — what a load of fkin horse sh*t.

I’m not going to go into this anymore on here...it’s must my opinion based on my close observations ...maybe if we meet up for a drink you can ask me about it.

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