Mate, if you were Hindoos back in the day, she'd be expected to chuck herself on your pyre. By contrast, asking her to pile into the booze, fags and drugs seems pretty reasonable.
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ffs indeed...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFvbOdnzTKk
Have you considered becoming a monk, Sir C? A life completely devoid of sin. There are some stunning monasteries in Sri Lanka that I know of. Or perhaps one in Belgium where you could while away your days making beer in order to raise money for your clan.
I think it'd suit you.